UnNews:Principal: Toy Gun Buy Back Program a Resounding Success
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Principal: Toy Gun Buy Back Program a Resounding Success
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, February 28, 2017, 12:36:UTC)(
11 June 2013
The children of Hayward and surrounding areas were given a Choose-Your-Own-Adventure paperback for turning in a water gun; a Where's Waldo? book for turning in six-shooter cap guns; a paperback Harry Potter novel for turning in most Nerf guns; or a hardcover for turning in a Nerf gun with an automatic firing option. If parents never let their children play with toy guns, the kids weren't completely out of luck, though, as the school made available Twilight series novels to these kids, figuring “they already had a shitty childhood, how much worse can it get?”
Principal Charles Hill said, “Playing with toys guns, saying ‘I’m going to shoot you,’ desensitizes them, so as they get older, it’s easier for them to use a real gun,” before being interrupted by the laughter of every single person with an ounce of common sense.
He continued, “This buyback program will save countless kids from receiving a black eye. The amount of high-powered Nerf assault rifles that were turned in was simply astounding. We didn't even think there were this many on the streets.”
When asked just how many books they gave out, Hill estimated that it was around a half-dozen Harry Potter hardcover books, two dozen or so Harry Potter paperbacks, several "Where's Waldo?" books, a few "Choose-Your-Own-Adventure" books, and (being in California), a “metric shitton of Twilight books because everybody here is a pissant liberal who doesn't let their kids play with guns.”
When asked what would happen to the confiscated toy weapons, Hill said, “We will absolutely, most certainly not play cops and robbers with them. Nope, we're adults, we don't do that kinda thing. Not at all. I promise!”, before bursting into laughter.
Hill then composed himself and continued, “Actually, these toy weapons will be melted down and made into new desks for our schools. In fact, we'll do it right here in the boiler room. I don't think the fumes from melting down plastic are toxic to kids or anything.”
Law enforcement officials were on hand for most of the gun collection, and stated that they were alarmed at the great number of autofire Nerf guns turned in.
After the event, Hayward police chief Jonathan Santarlas said, “This is why we need toy gun background checks and registration. Without doing background checks, we don't know if the kid receiving this toy gun has a history of bullying his siblings or kids at school. One of these [holds up an automatic firing Nerf gun] can fire off 10 rounds in under 30 seconds. The chances of giving a little brother a black eye because he won't share his pudding go up and up and up when these are in the hands of the wrong kid.”
For those interested in the program, it will continue next Saturday and Sunday, and officials say that "no questions" will be asked when you turn in a weapon.