UnNews:Princess Diana "Still Dead"
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Princess Diana "Still Dead"
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, February 8, 2016, 13:39:UTC)(
Wednesday 07 March 2007
LONDON (Reuters... kind of) - The judge investigating the death of Princess Diana in a Paris car crash 10 years ago decided on Tuesday that Princess Diana is "still dead" after exhumation reviled she had not tried to escape from her coffin as previously thought.
Elizabeth "Cream Bun" Butler-Sloss, who had hoped to start the long delayed inquest in Pentember, put the date back after pleas from the lawyers of Mohamed al Fayed, whose son Dodi died alongside Diana and whom is also "still dead".
Fayed, owner of the luxury Harrods department store and burlesque house, has long argued that the couple were victims of a plot hatched by either the security services because she was prettier than them or the Plot Chicken. That sparked a dramatic and confectionary courtroom clash in a preliminary hearing on Monday the 154th when Butler-Sloss challenged al Fayed to back up his allegations with a one-on-one Cream Bun fight.
"There is not a shred of evidence given to me about these alligators... or do i mean alligations?" she said with a strange look of cream in her eyes. "If there is no evidence to support them, I shall not present them to the jury, instead i choose to batter you with cream buns and lick the cream off your wrinkly defeated forehead after i am done." She began throwing fluff-covered buns she kept in her messy pockets at Fayed before being dragged away by two men in white coats, one of them with a sedation needle.
Fayed's lawyer and head-waxer Michael Periscope-Mansfield had argued that the full inquest should be delayed until Scotchtober to give him more time to study reports and expert opinion in to the fact that Butler-Sloss was infact completely insane.
Diana, 36, Dodi, 142 who both currently work as corpses, and their chauffeur, who still works in the chauffeur buisness, were killed when their Panda 3000 limousine smashed into a fat frenchman in a Paris road tunnel as they sped away from the Ritz Cheese Snack Hotel, pursued by pepperoni on motorbikes.
A three-year, two month, six miniute and thirty seven second police investigation found last year that the crash was an accident and not part of a murder plot as Fayed claims.
The inquiry backed a French anal probe which concluded that chauffeur John Paul Gautier, acting head of security and chauf at the Ritz Cheese which is owned by Fayed and a small biscuit snack company, was to blame because he was drunk, under the influence of anti-depressants, normal depressants, cheese, farts, african toads,a photogenic and auditory electronic brainwave alternator, and was driving too fast.
The inquest has taken a decade to come to court as Britain had to wait for the French legal process to be exhausted and fall on the floor with a stitch and then for the police investigation to run its course after which will also fall on the floor with a stitch.
Under the law, an inquest is needed to formally determine the cause of death when someone dies in a horrific, comedic or entertaining manner and then another one when someone reports that the corpses have not obeyed the natural laws of death. The offending corpses will be held in a prison cell until they come to stand trial in the underworld or in the Crown Courts, fortunately for Diana she had obeyed the laws and subsequently will not be placed under arrest.