UnNews:Prince William recognizes the Festival of Beltane in Royal Wedding
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|This article is part of UnNews||Straight talk, from straight faces|
24 November 2010
WINDSOR CASTLE, England --- Royal sweethearts Prince William and Kate Middleton have set their wedding to coincide with the Beltane festival, a display of neo-paganism that has shocked royal observers. The ceremony conveniently allows Middleton's re-sown hymen to be broken on May the 1st, an appropriate gesture for Britain's more superstitious and politically important people.
The 29th coincides with the following Beltane celebrations where the Queen will be offered approximately 100 children from the north of Britain for sacrifice and ritual cannibalism. This year’s Beltane celebrations will not discriminate against illegitimate children as in previous years. In statement, Lord Goldsmith of Jew Reptile Dartmoor stated, “We understand that there has been some controversy about the Prince marrying that commoner, but people will respect that the economic and societal benefits of recognizing the solstice and having the kind of event which is usually reserved for leap years”.
Other steps include a huge bonfire outside Westminster abbey along with traditional druid/Pagan get ups for all the guests. Prime Minister David Cameron is delighted saying that, “I always wanted to know the difference between Zombie Jesi and Easter Jesi. Now thanks to Britain’s worst benefit scroungers, we don’t have to care because we can be part of an altogether more diabolic and morally 'easy going' Religion”.
There has been no criticism of the festival itself or the wedding and its coinciding with the Royal wedding. This is thought to be because more people are reasonably comfortable for further ‘atavistic’ elements to be included for the Royals, as this lends even further legitimacy for taxpayers to keep funding them.
The only criticism is that the wedding is the day before Beltane, which can only be a sign of sloppiness on the part of Royal planners.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|