UnNews:Prince Harry to duel bin Laden
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Prince Harry to duel bin Laden
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, January 23, 2017, 18:23:UTC)(
30 April 2007
Baghdad, Iraq (Dissociated press) Al Qaeda and Great Britain have announced a peace plan to bring an end to the six-year-old war on terror: in the style of ancient honour duels and western showdowns, a single fight between Osama bin Laden and Prince Harry will take place at high noon local time this Friday.
The stakes are high. Should Harry win, al Qaeda would surrender, the Taliban would move to Fiji, Palestinians would serve tea to Israelis during Ramadan, Tony Blair would become president of Iraq, the Iranian Ayatollah would convert to Judaism, and Jeff Gordon would be declared winner of the Kentuckistan Derby. Conversely, a victory by bin Laden would mean Israel would uproot to New York, all Taliban fighters would receive a lifetime supply of opium, al Qaeda would be awarded a 100-year contract to run American Airlines, the United States would be converted to an Islamic state, and Iraq's fate would be decided by a similar duel between Muqtada al Sadr and Saddam Hussein.
Immediate concerns were voiced by the Fijian parliament, the Ayatollah, Israel (who noted that although New York is relatively pleasant, it's no trade off for receiving tea during Ramadan-or-whatever-they-call-it), American Airlines (along with the Sears Tower, the Empire State Building, etc.), President Bush (who noted that the British risk losing virtually nothing and even stand to get rid of Tony Blair), and Iraqi Sunnis who feel that Saddam Hussein would be disadvantaged in a duel given his current condition.
Prince Harry, however, was eager and confident. In the tradition of Hairy Harry Princes of the past, he picked his best sword. British authorities politely but emphatically expressed concern at his choice of weapon. Likewise, the British swore to nullify the deal if bin Laden went through with plans to fight with an aircraft, and the eventual compromise was that he use a suicide bomb.
No one is quite sure what would happen if both fighters die. Harry is convinced he can pierce bin Laden before he can detonate the bomb, while Osama is looking forward to eternal bliss, knowing his honourable adversary will suffer torment for the rest of time.
Should they both die, it has been suggested that a peace conference be held - in which all parties listen carefully to each other and discuss ways to create peace within a framework of different ideologies. Both sides have rejected this possibility as ludicrous.