UnNews:Prince Harry finally destroys Elmo's secret mountain hideaway
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Prince Harry finally destroys Elmo's secret mountain hideaway
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, July 31, 2015, 03:34:UTC)(
4 March 2008
CRICKET WICKET, Bang On -- Prince Harry proved to the good people of earth once again that his talents at fisticuffs were no match for international terrorism as he socked it to Elmo, also known as Satan, the Prince of Darkness or Osama Bin Laden. Elmo was seemingly defeated in round 5 of the jolly sportsmen-like boxing match, when Prince Harry turned the tide on Elmo beginning with an extensive, brutal tickling, a headlock, the force-feeding of ricin, a wooden stake through the heart, six silver bullets, reversing Elmo's polarity, immolation and finally expulsion into the cold void of space using a toilet plunger and a railgun. Unsatisfied, after tea he strode boldly across the courtyard and destroyed Elmo's secret mountain hideaway, a small bungalow just next to Jolly Olde England, where he was rooming with Oscar Wilde. Oscar Wilde had no comment, so he must have been sound asleep.
Prince Harry had scones with butter for tea.
"He's just a stuffed toy," sobbed Emily, Elmo's previous host and Oscar Wilde's lover at the time of press, "What he did to my Elmo was horrible... so horrible... I'll never forgive Prince Harry for his trespass! Ever!!" she then exploded, as children exposed to Elmo often do.
Jaded news anchors, having announced Elmo's death numerous times before, juggled flaming chainsaws to spice things up a bit. Media outlets encouraged those with tinfoil hats to cease offerings to the great Elmo today, even if it has become your religion due to brainwashing regardless. No, really. Look at the nice Kitty instead, look at how cute kitty is. Kitty wants you to become de-programmed. Kitty is so cute! KITTY KITTY KITTY KITTY KITTY KITTY
- Chappy "Just like the Good Olde Victorian Position, Oh my, I mean, Days, M'Dear.". Oranges and Lemons, Bong Tingalingaling Clang