UnNews:Pridelands to be re-integrated by court order
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Pridelands to be re-integrated by court order
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, September 29, 2016, 13:42:UTC)(
20 January 2009
PRIDELANDS - Superior Court Judge Fenster Taylor today upheld the controversial Pridelands Equality Statute passed into law by the Circle of Life Council last spring. All hyenas in good standing are to be moved back within the Pridelands borders by next moon.
The decision sparked outspoken protest among the lion population here. Timsa, a local lioness, complained, "This is an outrage. The last time the hyenas were allowed in, they trashed the place beyond recognition. It was constantly dark, all the colors faded, there was no vegetation, no water, no meat, and it rained incessantly. And almost the instant we ran them out of here, the sun came out, color was restored and everyone started to sing again. Only a fool can look at that and call it coincidence. I mean, don't we have a right to protect our beautiful land from these stinking, loud, obnoxious, nasty hyenas? The increased crime rate alone scares the scat out of me."
Hyena leaders have been quick to respond. "It's this type of speceisist thinking that has kept our kind down for so many generations," said Scratch, a respected Hyena representative. "Have the lions and monkeys ever stopped to realize that the Elephant Graveyard is no place to raise a decent family? Besides, we have evidence that the environmental effect that they blame us for is actually an important aspect of the cycle of life, called 'seasons', and in fact woud have occurred during that time whether they had let us in or not. We deny any and all resposibility for the conditions of the Pridelands during our stay there, and we demand equal access to the Prideland area under the rule of law."
But the lions remain unconvinced. "You don't understand," said Muffismo, an alhpa male lion high up in the lion kingdom. "I rely on our lush praries to be a safe place for my young cub to frolick and learn the art of pouncing. With hyenas taking over our neighborhoods, I see crime, I see excessive noisy cackling, horrific gluttony and all manner of creaturely vices increasing drastically. My son is impressionable, and I fear for his future as king of these Pridelands. These hyenas are incorrigible, and they should be kept in their place, not allowed by far-off lawmakers to ruin our quality of life. It's outrageous."
Despite the protests, hyena relocation will begin immediately. Open spaces among the lush praries are already being seized via eminent domain to make rooom for the newcomers.