This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-microsecond misinformation.
29 September 2007
His subject, Dick "Dickhead" Morley who goes by the professional name Alan Length, uses his penis as a puppet, creating everything from hamburgers and windsurfers to the Loch Ness Monster and the Eiffel Tower.
Morley, 33, has been making a spectacle of himself for some time, having achieved international ridicule alongside his brother when they toured the United States in 2001 with their "Puppetry of the Penis" show.
A father of four who studied furniture design and modern poetry when he failed to get into a fine arts course and then spent most of his life as a builder of French drains, he now paints portraits for about $200.
He is a bombastically modest, almost frenetically shy man, whose pathetic efforts to embrace a showbiz persona extend to saying he believes he is the world's only penile artist, but if not, he's "certainly the greatest".
"I still do a bit of grave-digging to subsidise my meagre income as a struggling artist," he told UnNews, adding that his eldest son (3) thought he had a "fantastic job".
Pricasso's infantile showmanship also extends to his conservative outfit, all in silver - a top hat, a long "flasher-type" coat with trouser legs which start at the ankles and end at the knees, and nothing else.
"I was embarrassed to start with," he said before stripping off the coat to paint a portrait of Alan Length, on this occasion fully dressed in cape and bare legs. "It sounds really weird but if you see it being done it doesn't look too bad."
He's right on both counts. Compared to the antics of Michael Jackson and Britney Spears, his naked brushwork, using a palette on a low stand and holding the "brush" in one hand and the canvas in the other, soon seems weird but not too bad. However, Professor Sophomoronic, a spokesman for the Russian School of Ballet, declared the budding painter's work "rubbish". "This is a typical trick of the working classes", he complained, "substituting sexual innuendo for true greatness"
So what did the trail-blazing preposterous penile puppeteer "Alan Length" think of his portrait by the newcomer to the artistic potential of the penis?
"Not bad, considering he did it in 10 minutes and didn't need to go potty once," he said, with perhaps a trace of wistful penis envy.
Morley, makes a living from penis puppetry - which he calls "dick tricks" - offering performances at women's "hen's nights" and at Republican Party fundraisers.
What does his girlfriend think of his job? "When I leave she says 'Good luck with the show, don't let them touch'."