UnNews:Pretzel assassin reveals terrorist organization

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Pretzel assassin reveals terrorist organization

Straight talk, from straight faces

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Thursday, March 15, 2018, 15:56:59 (UTC)

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19 May 2007

The Pretzel Assassin who was captured earlier today has now unraveled the truth about himself. He was caught on the White House lawn this morning, perhaps attempting another assassination...attempt. Secret Service agents arrested him and proceeded to interrogate him. He had to be treated for a severe loss of salt, resulting from the Secret Service agents tackling him (they're buff, I've slept with one...I mean a friend did). After he was treated, he was questioned. The content was disclosed until a few minutes ago, when President Bush released it at his second press conference of the day ("I hate these thingies" was his reply). Here is an excerpt:

...after he was treated, we proceeded to question him. We asked him if he acted alone. He said that he was acting on behalf of "al-Frito", a terrorist network stationed in Kitchencounterstan. He explained to us that "after my failed attempt, I had to return home with much shame. And now this...I have soiled the holy name of Chester Cheeto." He was in fact trying to get to the President in an attempt to kill him. He did not go into detail about how he would go about doing this, but he did say it involved "beer and a chainsaw". It is unclear how this method would actually work, for he did not explain.

A strange concoction.

The Pretzel Assassin is still being held in an underground bunker. It is reported that he is still being interrogated, yet this was the only information released. President Bush said that "swift and indecisive action" would taken upon "al-Frito", and that the U.N. was talking with diplomats from Kitchencounterstan. Kofi Maker, one of the diplomats from Kitchencounterstan said "We will do anything to keep their toast out of our toaster. Wait, that was a euphemism for war, not sexual innuendo. Dammit." We'll keep you posted.

Trevor Joyce reporting, UnNews.

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