UnNews:Pretzel assassin caught on White House lawn
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Pretzel assassin caught on White House lawn
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, January 18, 2017, 21:02:UTC)(
19 May 2007
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Today, White House officials reported that the infamous "Pretzel Assassin", who tried to assassinate President Bush by choking him in 2002, was spotted on the White House lawn and arrested. The Pretzel Assassin was said to be loitering around the main entrance, and then hopped the fence. Secret Service agents saw him and captured him. He is currently being held for interrogation. President Bush hosted a press conference concerning the matter. "We have the Pretzel Assassin in our hands, and we are doing whatever it takes until he tells us the truth," he announced. The Pretzel appeared to be attempting another assassination attempt at the President.
The Pretzel Assassin tried to kill President Bush in 2002 while he was watching a football game, yet failed. The assassin slipped into his bowl of pretzels while he was not looking and proceeded to choke him when he was inside his mouth. The president only lost consciousness and suffered a slight bruise on his left cheek from his glasses. The pretzel escaped before Secret Service agents could recover it. He was number three on the "Most Wanted List", until now.
White House officials suspect he is involved in a terrorist network of Cheese Doodles, perhaps stationed in Kitchencounterstan. There are possible terrorist cells in Cupboardia, the United Plates, and Refridgistan. More details are sure to follow.
Trevor Joyce reporting, UnNews.