UnNews:Presidential candidates devote all remaining funds to one voter

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13 October 2008

Joe Sixpack

Joseph S. Packer is considered the only American voter whose opinions matter.

TOLEDO, Ohio – Presidential candidates Barack Obama and John McCain stunned the world today as they announced that they were pulling their campaigns out of forty-nine states and focusing exclusively on one man – Joseph S. Packer, a second-rate plumber from Toledo, Ohio.

Packer, 52, was nonplussed by the news.

"I haven't really thought much about the election," admits Packer. "John McCain is a military man and a Christian, so that's good. But the union says Barack Obama is gonna fix the economy. So I guess my impression of McCain is maybe sort of good. And I guess my impression of Obama is better than not good."

Packer cracks open the fifth of six beers. "I don't know. I might not vote at all. I have no idea why they're making all this fuss over me. Hey, honey, on your way back from picking up Mike from hockey, could you pick me up another six-pack?"

The campaigns have carefully crafted their messages to be attractive specifically to Packer.

For example, when asked about his stance on same-sex marriage, Packer replies, "Oh, man, I don't know, I guess the gays can do whatever they want, but, you know, yuck. I don't like to think about it." Upon hearing Packer's response, both campaigns formally agreed to avoid and/or run from the question whenever it was posed.

Other issues that Packer doesn't care about include environmental issues, intellectual property rights, or science. He also has no opinion on education other than that he wants it to be better. Therefore, both campaigns have also signed an agreement not to discuss these topics except in broad, sweeping assurances that they would handle them well.

Sources close to both campaigns tell us that the campaigns' decisions to focus all their resources on Packer was a result of an unusually committed voter pool.

"The Democrats are going to vote Democratic, so Obama can pretty much ignore everything they want," said the unnamed source. "And Obama could run on a 'death camps for niggers' platform and still get the minority vote. And, of course, Republicans are eventually gonna hold their noses and vote for McCain. So McCain can ignore them, which is good because, frankly, he thinks they're all assholes."

"But Packer – here's a man so dumb, so apathetic, so totally consumed with absolutely mundane issues like whether turkey bologna is better than regular bologna that he hasn't made any kind of decision at all."

We asked Packer for a response to this quote, but he was too busy alternately smelling different varieties of bologna.

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