UnNews:President to divorce Michelle
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President to divorce Michelle
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, July 7, 2015, 22:58:UTC)(
8 October 2009
Washington, D.C. - The Beltway was embroiled by controversy today as it was announced by White House spokesman Robert Gibbs that the President is divorcing Michelle on the grounds of her lying about her ancestry. Submitted already to the Family Court handling the divorce are documents proving that Michelle's ancestor was a white slave owner who enjoyed raping his slaves, including one teenage negro named "Melvinia".
But the revelations are more far reaching than that, as it happens that the man in question, General Nathan Bedsheet Shields, was none other then the first Grand Kleagle of the Northern Georgia Klavern. "The final straw", said President Obama in papers filed by his attorney, "was when her cousins showed up, with their banjos, and started commenting about how 'purty' my mouth was."
Indeed, that meeting has been the awkwardest family reunion since the descendents of President Jefferson got together. Meeting young Heinrich "Jim Bob" Shields and his extended kin, had Secret Service on high alert. "The kid was cute enough", said one Secret Service agent on condition of anonymity, "but the rest of them kept trying to make the President squeal like a pig."
This is denied by Heinrich Shield's mother, who claims that they were only there to give out an invite to Michelle Obama for membership in the Klavern and say "Howdy". "After all, she has the same great-great-great-grandpappy as Heinrich here has. She definitely qualifies for joining the most presty-digious and longest running Klavern in Georgia."
Some are questioning the President's outrage, given his own - and far more immediate - white ancestry. The President denies this, though. "I'm one hundred percent black, my parents are pure African! I was born in Kenya, what does that tell you?", he said when confronted by Glenn Beck. Shortly afterwards, though, the White House issued a retraction, saying that the President meant to say that his white ancestor was from a long line of peasants who never owned a slave, and that "Kenya" was just Ebonics for "Hawaii".
Michelle refused to comment, saying that she was late for her robe and hood fitting appointment. Her attorney did say that she had been highly upset to find out that the great-great grandfather of Ann Dunham, the President's white mother, had been the one to sell her great-great-great grandmother Melvinia to Nathan Shields in the first place. As Michelle is soon to be the newest Kleagle in the Northern Georgia Klavern, she is unsure whether this is good or bad.
As is the Ku Klux Klan.