UnNews:President and First Lady reportedly separating

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23 May 2013

MOB

Divorced, Michelle would keep the kids and half the money, but she'd probably still have to see her ex

WASHINGTON, DCPresident Barak Obama and his wife, First Lady Michelle, are reportedly separating. According to unnameable sources, Mrs. Obama is taking the couple's daughters, Malia, 16, and Natasha Sasha, 11, with her to Martha's Vineyard, to visit Mary Jo Kopechne's watery grave during “an extended vacation.” The president is welcome only on weekends and for two weeks in the summer, sources contend.

“It is unknown whether Michelle has secured a restraining order against her husband,” Attorney General Eric Holder, who wishes to remain anonymous, told Unnews reporter Lotta Lies.

Some contend that the First Lady's decision to “spend some time alone” resulted from the “constant stress” caused by the the five “latest scandals” that continue to plague her husband's lame-duck administration: the Benghazi slayings of Ambassador Christopher Stevens and four Marines, which former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton says makes no difference; the Internal Infernal Revenue Service's unconstitutional targeting of conservative political groups for extensive auditing; the Department of Justice Injustice's wire-tapping of the telephone lines of Associated Press (AP) and other news organizations; the government's labeling of Fox News reporter Sam Rosen as a “likely co-conspirator” against the Espionage Act; and the Obama administration's use of drones to murder innocent American civilians.

“Some of the girls' classmates take issue with such actions,” the First Lady said. “They call Malia's and Sasha's daddy a 'liar,' a 'thief,' and a 'killer.' Some even call him a 'faggot' because of his love of homosexuals and his support of gay marriage. I told Barack it was a bad idea to tweet 'we've got your backside' to basketball player Jason Collins, when Collins announced to the world that he loves to suck—well, that he likes boys—but Barack wouldn't listen.”

The First Lady's retreat is “posh” by anyone's standards, and her “extended stay” in the luxurious island sanctuary is likely to cost taxpayers thousands of dollars per week, “but,” she says, “as black women, my daughters and I are worth it.”

When she was asked whether her troubled marriage is in trouble, the First Lady replied, “No. Illinois is a community property state.”

Since she and the president lived in Chicago before he was elected president, the terms of their marriage are regulated by Illinois state law. “If we divorce, he has to give me half of everything,” the First Lady said, “so it's unlikely that the girls and I will be living off food stamps anytime soon.”

The Obamas' net worth is estimated as between $6 and $11 million. “Half of that is mine, if and when we terminate our marriage.” The only down side to divorce, as far as Michelle Obama is concerned, is that, “since he's president, the courts might grant him equal custody, which would mean I'd have to put up with his sorry ass for another twelve years or so, until our youngest comes of age.”

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