UnNews:President Reveals He Has Super Secret Spy Powers
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President Reveals He Has Super Secret Spy Powers
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, June 22, 2017, 14:23:UTC)(
Recent revelations in the Nation's capital confirmed that the President had used his authority to spy upon those people that government agencies viewed as either being threats to the nation security, or had been giving aid and comfort to the evil dooers in the world.
In a statement made before the start of questions from the press corps, the President admitted that “the Vice President and I have been using our Super Secret Powers and have authority to do so through the Political Capital of Washington DC which we seized as a result of 2004 elections.”
Bush further disclosed that once the super secret twin powers were activated by the joining of a special rings worn by both he and the Vice President, that the duo transformed into “Electro President” and “Dyna Dick.”
The collective audience was heard to mutter “Dyna-Wow” as the President pulled part of the gold and pink satin Super Spy Power costume out from his sleeve as proof of his super spy powers.
When asked by Helen Thomas, Dean of the White House press corps, how the President came into this power, the President gave his most definitive answer to date by ignoring Thomas and asking for the next question from Bill O’Reilly of Fox News.
Instead, O’Reilly stated that he felt that Thomas should be attached to a chain gang for her unyielding “liberal leaning questions designed to embarrass the supreme authority of our Super Spy President.” O’Reilly also disclosed that Thomas was heard wishing Cokie Roberts “happy holidays” and is thus part of the plan to overthrown Christmas, Gumdrops and Santa Claus.
“When will you puny Americans understand that I, George Bush, am the President of this nation, and that I am responsible for determining the rules during a time of war, and I started this war so I could do just that,” Bush stated. “What could be confusing about this? Why does everyone keep questioning me? Do you honestly think that I’m going to vacate this office this in January of 2009 when my term is up? I don’t even evacuate bowels, let alone the Oval Office.”
When queried about a leak by an inside source close to the White House linking Bush's Super Secret Spy powers to the Manhattan Engineering District activities, the President replied "No commitment". When queried why he had no comment, the President began to ramble saying that their "wasn't anything evedentuary" that he cared to discuss.
ABC’s Sam Donaldson asked about Senate Democrats and moderate Republicans banding together to block passage of a more restrictive version of the Patriot Act, stoked the Super Secret Spy powered President’s ire - again the President expressed his confusion over the situation. “Do they not fear my laser vision, my digitally amplified hearing and secret decoder ring? Do they not cower before the Vice President’s titanium jaws of death and his Lesbian daughter’s whip?"
"Let me tell you Sam, all of us in this room know that you wear a toup, so lets move on. Next Question?" Bush added.
The President closed the press conference with a warning to members of the press. “I know where you live, what you eat for breakfast and which of you partakes in phone sex. Don’t piss me off. You hear?”
In a post conference briefing, Presidential Apologist Karen Hughes stated the Secret Spy Power's team of Bush and Cheney would be be a fast moving duo - something that the Snidley Whiplashish Democratics would be hard pressed pin down. "They were fast before, but I defy any Democrats who think that President is patsy for the Iraq War. When he and the Vice President change into into their silk Super Spy outfits, they're even too slippery for their wives to catch."
In the Democratic response, Senator Carl Levin said "if the President wants to play hardball, we have no problem releasing Mega-Godzilla upon him."