UnNews:President Obama has NOT been assassinated.
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5 February 2009
“Starting today, we must pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and begin again the work of remaking America.”
WASHINGTON, DC, USA— Recent President of the United States Barack Obama astounded the nation this morning when he actually was revealed to NOT be dead on the floor. Sources say that the only people not completely bewildered were the Secret Service, who're paid to keep the President breathing, decent people, people who don't care about America, anti-racists and Captain Oblivious . The rest (pretty much limited to racist idiots) have been thrown for a loop, costing them over $453,000 in bets lost. They're now betting he won't last a full year in office without being assassinated. We'll just have to wait and see.
“I reject those theories.”
Barack's continued life gives some Americans hope, while giving some terrorists and assassins despair, but nobody cares about them, so the nation is rejoicing. Hooray! Hooray! Hooray! The whole world (except Iraq) is breathing a sigh of relief; like a mother with a kid who does drugs does when she opens the door to the stupid kid's room and he's STILL ALIVE. The only downside to these joyous celebrations is the question of tomorrow- will Obama wake up with a sniper targeting his head? Only time will tell. The President can only be hopeful that no one misspells his name in the history books and accidentally teach the children of the future that America elected a well-known terrorist. But then again, we ARE talking about America.
“The era of responsibility is not never making mistakes, it is owning up to them and trying to make sure you don't repeat them.”
So, now the nation must wonder: Why did they think the President was going to be assassinated? The answer is simple: because the nation is racist, and the only reason Obama won was to make the world think America is not racist. Quite clearly, this is bull. So what can the world do to help Obama not be assassinated? The answer: treat the USA as should be treated: stay away from it like that kid you spread unhygienic rumors about back in the 5th Grade (yes, we know all about that). So remember: if you're not in the USA, stay where you are. If you ARE in the USA, check to see if you are racist by kissing a picture of Obama. If you can't do it, jump out of a 200-storey window. If you can do it and you are male, you are gay, and should probably jump out of a 400-storey window. If you can do it and you are female, come over to my place at 9:00 tonight.
UnNews, reporting today, and probably tomorrow, too.
- Sinclair Stewart "Obama targets Wall Street excess. Also, he's still alive.". Da Globe and Mail, Canada, February 5, 2009
- Nara Schoenberg on Crack "Obama won't admit he has a problem. But he's STILL ALIVE (as of yet).". chicagotribune.com, February 5, 2009
- Don Martin, a.k.a. Calgary Herald "Obama ditches Canada early to buy cigarettes. Still alive, despite smoking problem.". canada.com, February 5, 2009