UnNews:President McCain optimistic on new Iraq bombing
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
President McCain optimistic on new Iraq bombing
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Saturday, May 30, 2015, 21:40:UTC)(
9 August 2014
WASHINGTON, D.C -- U.S. President John McCain said Saturday that U.S. airstrikes against Islamists in Iraq have been successful but cautioned that propping up Iraq’s government and military will be a “long-term project.”
Opposition forces in the Congress, who in 2008 ridiculed McCain by chanting "Bomb Iraq," insisted they had been vindicated, but the President, speaking with reporters before hunkering down with another two-week vacation on Martha's Vineyard, assured the nation that he could retake Iraqi territory with bombs and drones, and without "boots on the ground" or feet in the boots — provided the nation is patient.
In the first aerial assault, bombers dropped General Motors vehicles that had been recalled in the United States. Owners had been told the cars could catch fire and warned to park them outside the garage. America will induce the use of these deadly products by removing other cars from Iraqi streets using "Cash for Clunkers." The President also plans to cripple the portion of the country overtaken by the ISIS Islamist movement by extending to it "universal health coverage," which will force most Iraqis to visit Johannesburg or Dublin to find a doctor who is enrolled in the program.
“President still doesn’t seem to understand the nature of ISIS threat to US,” Mr. McCain tweeted on Saturday. This is remarkable in itself, as his 2008 campaign featured charges that war wounds left him unable to operate any electronic equipment smaller than a pay phone.
Senator Barack Obama chided the nation that, if he had been elected in 2008, he would have pulled out of Iraq on a firm timetable that both dovish Congressman wannabes and foreign terrorists could bank on.
However, to date, comedian Bill Maher has not accused the President of fighting a "cowardly, pushbutton war," as he did when the nation's first black President blew up the Chinese embassy in Bosnia. Stickers bemoaning an "Endless War" have not reappeared on car bumpers, Code Pink is completely out of sight, and the nation's inner cities are not aflame in anti-war protests.
Moreover, in contrast to the policies of continually drunk ex-President George W. Bush and his diabolical defense secretary Donald Rumsfeld, no one has claimed the current President initiated the military action without being certain what would happen when it was over. This is because the nation "voted for change."
- Dave Boyer "Obama calls U.S. airstrikes, food drops in Iraq ‘successful’ so far". Washington Times, August 9, 2014
- Jesse Washington "As bombs fall over Iraq, old emotions rise in US". Associated Press, August 9, 2014
- Staff "GM issues 6 more recalls covering 312,000 vehicles". Associated Press, August 8, 2014