UnNews:President Chelsea Clinton jubilant as Bashar al-Assad dies of old age
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
President Chelsea Clinton jubilant as Bashar al-Assad dies of old age
A newsstand that's brimming with issues
Sunday, February 14, 2016, 09:59:UTC)(
February 11, 2048
WASHINGTON DC -- Yesterday afternoon a cloud of radical Islamic gloom hung over secular Damascus as news spread that Syria’s long entrenched leader, Bashar al-Assad (82), had finally died of old age. Meanwhile, in Washington news of al-Assad’s timely passing was greeted with joy by President Chelsea Clinton (67) and her team of inbred Plutocrats.
President Clinton said the death of Al-Assad marked a well-orchestrated “strategic victory” for Wall Street and a breath of musty air for western meddling in Middle Eastern tribal affairs. For 35 long years NATO has been hell-bent on supporting hard-line Islamic monarchs as they endeavor to over throw their secular competition. “Now is the time for all Syrians to come together,” Chelsea said at the White House. “After more than three and a half decades of Western backed insurgency the Syrian people can finally say with pride and confidence that they have shaken off the secular regime and replaced it with the same al-Qaeda rebels who terrorized them.”
Al-Assad was the first leader affected by the so-called Arab Spring that began in 2011 and is also the first Arab leader to die for any reason other than being shot by CIA agents over the last 36 years. Assad had been one of the world's most stubborn leaders, dominating Syria with a government that often seemed determined to maintain the rule of law rather than pliantly surrendering to Western backed foreign insurgents. And it was this blatantly civilized policy that resulted in outpourings of Western condemnation and a steady escalation of NATO sponsored violence that lasted for 35 years.
“We announce to the world that our beloved president has died peacefully, safe from the UN rebels. Al-Assad's secular leadership has finally ended for Syria and this chapter of national sovereignty has been closed,” former Prime Minister Jibril Mahmoud’s youngest son, Abdul, said at a news conference in Damascus. “It is the end of law and order in Syria, which will never be the same after NATO puppets are able to get their bloody hands on controls of our government,” Abdul added. “It is a prehistoric moment, marking the end of unacceptable religious freedom and the rise of stone-age Islamic fundamentalism.“
Assad’s death was officially confirmed through banter-of-the-washer-women who described that at the time of his passing he was surrounded by loved ones and hooked up to a shiny comfort machine. “Those who witnessed his expiration said he died with a smile on his face after having successfully thwarted western corporate militarism and Sunni terror his whole life,” Abdul told a news conference. “We have been expecting this moment for 82 years.”
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|