UnNews:President Bush says something
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President Bush says something
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, June 27, 2016, 12:05:UTC)(
9 October 2006
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DISTRICT OF COLUMBIA, Amerika -- Speaking from an AP wireshack in the beltway, George W. Bush commented that liberal terror continues to terrorfy. In a speech to syndicate cabal members, he said "liberal terror continues to terrorfy our great nation from the attacks on conservative values by North Korea's nucular development, grannies!" Via the vibrations of the air, which the president produced, and the various apparatuses of those within ear shot, the signal was relayed to those concerned.
Following the statement, prominent press members proceeded to quote what the president said verbatim, then draw unquestioning conclusions about the state of the world from it. The statement was "a condemnation," one inner press member said. Others variously described it as "a call to rally" and "an exultation." It has already been printed in several news publications, sparking reading.
Bush's statement instantly changed the very fabric of the universe, as well as the direction of the winds of change. Tearing it apart piecemeal throws blame and ignominy on several parties: namely, terrorist liberals, the great USA, unquestionable conservative values, the evil, uncompromising, fat murderous North Koreans, and... grannies.
Shameless omnidirectional hate provoker Sandy Snakeoil screamed at a bottom cameraman, "you can't just print what people say; you have to give perspective and unbiased analysis of...." The cameraman ran away.
Kim Jong is ill. There is no word yet on whether the liberals will stop causing terror, and Noam Chomsky was not reached for comment. Press secretary Cam Grey helped reporters flesh out their agenda. George Bush is currently on a lunch break; he is expected to cause another news story when he speaks again.