UnNews:President Bush plans to hire Jack Bauer for terrorism fight
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President Bush plans to hire Jack Bauer for terrorism fight
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, June 27, 2016, 08:38:UTC)(
23 January 2007
WASHINGTON, DC -- White House sources say that President Bush is planning to hire Jack Bauer, the main character in the popular TV series "24", to help in the ongoing war against terrorism. Anonymous officials admit that the President has yet to realize that the character is fictional.
The plan first developed after Bush watched the season premiere of "24" last week and thought it was a documentary. He immediately insisted on meeting Mr. Bauer and compelling him to go fight in Iraq. Actor Kiefer Sutherland, who portrays Bauer on the show, reportedly visited the White House over the weekend. Even he, however, was unable to convince the President that Jack isn't real. "What do you mean," a confused Bush responded, "You're here talking to me and you look just like you did in that documentary."
Bush plans to unveil his plan during tomorrow's State of the Union address. Dismayed by the unfavorable reception his latest "surge" strategy for Iraq received, he plans to appease critics by focusing more on the "terrorist hunting" aspect of the war. "Instead of sending 21000 new troops to Iraq, we'll send just one," says one line of the speech. After Bauer brings peace to Iraq, Bush plans to send him to Afghanistan to "finally find that Osama Bin Laden fellow. But that's really kind of low priority."
Bush's speechwriters refused to cooperate with the outrageous Bauer plan, but sources say that the President was so adamant about going forward with it that he fired them and finally learned to write himself. "It's quite astounding," admitted Chief of Staff Josh Bolten, "just 6 years ago he learned to read, and now George has finally grasped the basics of English prose. We're all so proud of him." It's unclear, however, when the President will grasp the basics of reality.
Aides still have hope that before tomorrow's speech the President will realize the folly of his new plan. The creators of "24", as well as representatives of the Fox network and the show's cast will be on hand at the White House Monday night when a new episode airs; they will once again attempt to explain to Mr. Bush that the show is purely fictional.