UnNews:President Bush nixes "invisibility cloak"
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President Bush nixes "invisibility cloak"
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, March 27, 2017, 14:46:UTC)(
12 August 2008
SAN FRANCISCO, CA -- University of California scientists brag that they have invented an “invisibility cloak,” made of microscopic wires and metallic “fishnet” material that bends light rays, rendering objects invisible. They call the substances “metamaterials,” a term they coined because, as Dr. Dung says, “It sounds cool.”
Continuing the rivalry between them to perfect the first of these materials, Dr. Dildo reported his invention of the fishnet metamaterial in Nature, while his colleague, Dr. Dung, reported his creation of his wiry stuff in Science.
Reportedly, they were also approached by a representative of The National Enquirer, but they declined to publish details of their inventions in the tabloid because it had been characterized as “trash” by Sen. John Edwards following the periodical’s disclosure of the former presidential candidate’s cheating on his terminally ill wife.
According to Dr. Dung, the idea for the material he invented came from “spear fishing” experiments he’d conducted in his living room aquarium. “When I put a stick in the tank, the stick seemed to bend away from me as a result of an optical illusion resulting from light refraction. That inspired me.”
Dr. Dildo had a more prosaic sort of inspiration. “I took one too many LSD tablet, and, whoa!” The rest, he says, “was history or science or technology or something academic.”
The scientists have applied for federal grants to fund additional research into the perfection and mass production of their metamaterials, but they have already met resistance from President Bush, who wants to know, “What possible use could there be for an invisibility device?”
“A good, swift kick in the ass by an invisible boot might do the trick” of educating the president, General David Petraus, who asked to remain anonymous, declared.