UnNews:President Bush hosts Texas-style barbecue for British Queen
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President Bush hosts Texas-style barbecue for British Queen
Straight talk, from straight faces
Monday, May 25, 2015, 06:12 (UTC)
8 May 2007
WASHINGTON, DC -- US President Bush, feeling nervous about the prospect of a formal dinner with visiting Queen Elizabeth II, changed his mind at the last minute and ordered staff to prepare a "Texas-style barbecue" instead. White House employees worked frantically to scrap the planned lavish white-tie affair and instead set up a set of grills on the South Lawn.
When dinner time came, the President waited anxiously, dressed in his full cowboy attire. As the Queen's limo pulled up to the White House, Bush rode up on his horse, screaming "Yee-haw!" Elizabeth, startled by this unexpected reception, proceeded back to her limo, thinking she arrived at the wrong place. Only First Lady Laura Bush's pleading convinced her that the bumbling fool on a horse before her was indeed the President of the United States. Bush exclaimed "Hey ya Toots, pucker up!" and gave Her Majesty a big sloppy Texas-style kiss, full on the lips.
The royal entourage was next lead to the South Lawn, or "back yard" as the President prefers to refer to the grassy field behind the White House. Bush then personally grilled a juicy burger for the Queen, also handing her a can of ice-cold Bud. "There are also some Colt-45s in the fridge," he was heard addressing Her Majesty. When the Queen asked for wine, Bush handed her a bottle of "Mad Dog" from his personal stash.
Post-dinner entertainment included a brief hunting adventure right on the White House property. Vice President Dick Cheney joined the Queen's husband, Prince Phillip, in a quail hunt. Aides instructed Mr. Cheney beforehand that "shooting the Prince in the face" would not be appropriate on the trip, but as an extra precaution the royal hunter wore a bright orange bulletproof vest. The trip luckily passed without incident, and the downed quail, as well as a few stray dogs, were later grilled for dessert.
As the Queen's visit, which she at that point described as "Truly American", drew to a close, President Bush offered Her Majesty a cup of tea to adhere to British customs. However, the powdered Lipton ice-tea was not quite to the Queen's liking. She hurriedly finished it and headed back towards her limo, wishing to be taken to the British embassy "at once." The President was disappointed she could not stay for the after-dinner brush-clearing he had in mind.
This was the Queen's fifth trip to the United States in the past 50 years, and she described it as "the worst experience of my life. Of all our former colonies, this one is surely the least civilized." Asked if she would invite Mr. Bush to visit her at Buckingham palace, the monarch broke from traditional protocol and gave the unusually candid reply: "hell no."