UnNews:President Bush demonstrates how much he cares about food safety

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19 July 2007

Michael Brown & Bush

Michael Brown explains the "thousand-death minimum" to President Bush.

Washington—Responding to a recent string of lethal food safety violations, President Bush issued an executive order yesterday ordering the creation of an Ineffective Food Safety Panel Adding Another Layer of Bureaucracy to the Inspection Process and Issuing Recommendations No One Will Follow Anyways (IFSPAALBIPIRNOWFA for short). In a demonstration of how much he cares (he really does!), Bush appointed ex-FEMA Director Michael Brown to chair the panel.

Mouse loaf

Expect to see more of this after the new panel's recommendations kick in.

Facing criticism, the White House issued a GSCS (Generic Screw the Critics Statement), saying that, "The creation of the food safety panel was decided only after the most strenuous considerations, such as 'What PR value does this have?' and 'How much cheaper will it be to look like we're doing something, compared to actually doing something?'. Michael Brown was the natural candidate for the chairmanship of this panel, as he possessed all the qualities necessary for the job, or at least for President Bush to appoint him: he is the same height as Bush, and he was Commissioner for the International Arabian Horse Association."

IFSPAALBIPIRNOWFA issued its first recommendation today, calling for the establishment of a "thousand death minimum". The panel elaborated that "it's just so haaaarrd" to inspect food imports, and so regulators should wait until at least one thousand people have died before taking action. The panel also recommended shutting down the Food and Drug Administration, because "We'll be doing such a good job, so who needs them anymore?".

President Bush embraced the panel's recommendations, saying, "Brownie, you're doin' a heckuva' job."

edit Sources

  • "Bush creates food safety panel". Associated Press, July 18, 2007
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