UnNews:President Bush announces Pioneer Retrieval Mission
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President Bush announces Pioneer Retrieval Mission
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, August 31, 2015, 03:00:UTC)(
Washington DC, USA (UNN) —President Bush today announced plans for a 'Voyager Retrieval Mission', to be launched at the end of 2007. The mission is intended to retrieve the legendary spaceships 'Pioneer 10' and 'Pioneer 11' from deep space.
'It has come to my attention', the President stated, 'that in the 1970's two spacecraft were launched, into space, containing depictions of naked men and women. These spacecraft are at this moment in deep space, and the possibility exists that they will be found by an intelligence outside this world. The idea that humanities' first contact with an alien intelligence wil be of such an obscene and pornographic nature, is close to inconceivable.' I have just approved a NASA mission to retrieve these spacecraft, and return the plaques to earth, where they can be safely destroyed.'
Reverend Jerry Falwell, who has lobbied since the 1980's for the retrieval mission, commented: "This is a great day for America. This is the voice of a moral America, a family America, finally speaking up against the obscenity that has corrupted our society for so long. Opponents have stated that this will be an expensive mission, but I say that the smut peddling hedonists at NASA made an expensive mistake. It's not the solution that costs us money, it's the problem. And the correction of this gross mistake is worth much more than the price of the retrieval mission to me."
Dr. Carl Stevens, who will lead the retrieval effort, commented on the technical aspects of the mission: "Its a very difficult problem. The new spacecraft will have to travel at least twice as fast as the original Pioneers, in order to catch up with them within the set time frame. We'll have to use some sort of nuclear reactor, and a royal amount of plutonium, which poses several problems with launch safety. We'll then have to implement some kind of intelligent robotic system to remove the plaque from both spacecraft. Not to mention the trouble were going to have finding them, since we lost contact with the probes around 2003. It's a real doozy, but then again this is exactly the sort of problem that NASA was established to solve. If anyone can do it, it's us"'