UnNews:President Bush Finally Admits That Osama bin Laden Is His Imaginary Friend
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President Bush Finally Admits That Osama bin Laden Is His Imaginary Friend
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, March 30, 2017, 23:00:UTC)(
27 November 2008
WASHINGTON, D.C. - Today, President George W. Bush announced that Osama bin Laden is simply his imaginary friend. For all those videos, he simply had Vice President Dick Cheney dress up in terrorist gear, cut off a homeless man's beard and taped it to Dick's chin. “I know what I believe. I will continue to articulate what I believe and what I believe—I believe that what I believe is right.”, said the soon-to-be-ex-president Bush. “And what I believe—I believe that all Americans who believe in what is truly right—I believe they deserve to believe in the truth. The belief in Osama bin Laden is one that is controversial—and that belief is certainly a controversial one. But today, your beliefs had been made true. We have caught Osama bin Laden.” At that point, Osama bin Laden was presented on the stage, actually Dick Cheney in his Osama disguise. Unfortunately, Cheney's poorly-made disguise failed to impress anyone (this time he used Rapunzel's hair, who had been hiding in Afghanistan from her prince and toilet paper for a turban) and Bush was forced to admit it. “The belief in Osama bin Laden, which I so surely believe in, is false in the hearts of my fellow Americans. Osama bin Laden is my imaginary friend. Al Qaeda is also fake. I did steal those votes back in 2000. Al Gore should have been our 43rd president. 9/11 was fake. It was a secret sweepstakes to send people on vacations to Jamaica. The Twin Towers simply retracted into the ground. We will raise them back up tomorrow. We needed something to cover up the secret sweepstakes, so “destroying” America's tallest building seemed cover up-ish enough. At the end of my presidency, I will be taking requests of return. Please also send a request if a loved one is in Iraq. They are in the Bahamas. We are fighting the Iraq War with robots. And all that wasteful government spending? It was secretly being sent to China to pay off our debts. We should be debt-free by the time I depart from office. The evil media has simply tried to paint me as a horrible president because Al Gore lost. In fact, I will turn over the reins to him tomorrow for the remaining time until President-Elect Obama. The economy is though in a recession. I hope that by paying our debts off, the economy will be a better one soon.”
The Dow Jones skyrocketed 6,500 points upon the economic news.
Al Gore took office the following day.