UnNews:President Bush: "We are winning the War on Subways"

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14 January 2007

Subway
Alleged headquarters of the Subways.

Washington D.C. -- Speaking before an enthusiastic crowd, President Bush addressed the nation this evening, assuring the American public that “we are winning the War on Subways.” This announcement follows the news of two foiled assassination attempts by the subways in New York. Despite heavy advantages in the resources of momentum and mass, the subways were nonetheless unable to carry out their mission, thanks to the valiant efforts of Daniel Fitzpatrick and Wesley Autrey.

The War on Subways had entered the national lexicon after the Subway-Terrorist Alliance of 2005, in which three London transits executed a well coordinate suicide attack, killing over 50 civilians in the process. The growing fear of a Subway attack on American soil had galvanized Homeland Security into action.

“Let me assure you,” Bush spoke during a national press conference, “it doesn’t matter how fast they are, how loud they are, or how urine soaked they are. The American People will not back down from the threat of subways.”

However, many do not share Bush’s fervor to end the War on Subways. “Has Bush already forgot about the War on Planes?”, asks Dr. Balkins, professor of political science at Yardale University, “The Bush administration has yet to prove a link between the Airplanes and the Subways.”

Bush dismissed such claims, urging Americans to stand together to resist the Axis of Evil: Planes, Subways, and Buses.

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