Pregnant women to be given £200 for weed

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10 September 2007


Clearly off her gourd

London, UK - British government advisors have recommended that from April 2009 all pregnant women should be given £200 to spend on marijuana. Under the new scheme, a one-off payment of £200 will be paid to every woman during the 29th week of her pregnancy to ensure she has a supply of mind-bending herbs to smoke.

Professor Ihaff Nopanz, assistant lecturer in merchant shipping operations for the University of Watford, is one of the leading members of the panel which advises the government on medical issues. He explained the reasoning behind the recommendation.

"Over the last 20 years there has been a significant decline in the health levels of babies being born. The mothers are clearly at fault. The mother's lifestyle is a key factor in the well-being of the child, so we need to eliminate this threat to the generations of tomorrow. This new scheme will ensure that even the poorest mothers-to-be can afford enough weed to keep them so stoned they can't cause the unborn ones damage through stress or vigorous activity. If we can reduce the mother's activity levels - mental as well as physical - to that of a battery-farm chicken, we can ensure their children start life healthy."

The premature baby charity BLISS is a critic of the plan, claiming that there is no way of ensuring that the money is actually spent on marijuana, there is some fear that the expectant women may spend it on rent, bills or even healthy food, but Professor Nopanz dismisses such claims with an unconcerned expression and a careless wave of his hand, stating simply "Then they will be punished."