UnNews:Prediction: 2012 Presidential Candidates
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Prediction: 2012 Presidential Candidates
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, September 2, 2015, 22:02:UTC)(
3 June 2009
LAS VEGAS, Nevada -- In a surrealist move, Las Vegas bookmakers have, this week, started releasing details and betting odds on presidential candidates for the next American election, scheduled to take place in 2012. This has come as a great disturbance in the force for current American President Barack Obama, his office complaining today (via text message) that "We only jst gt hr! U alrdy wnt to replce us? WTF mon? ROTFSFTYST!". Las Vegas bookmakers "Francesco and Nephew" responded by texting back: "Dde! Chl! Its nt like we h8 u gys, bt we only mayk munee on poltix wen d elexions on." The White House's reaction remains stoic.
The selection of candidates this year has been most unusual. Some voters complained that they were not very realistic choices, they were promptly beaten up. Candidates range from the post-modern to the down-right awesome. Below are listed the four most likely options, two Democratic Nominees and two Republican Nominees, along with mini-biographies and policy details.
Barack Obama - Democrat
“He's going to save the world again isn't he?”
Yes I know, very dull and boring, but he is the President you know. You already know most of his details, so I'll cut to the chase. Obama will be up for re-election next year following an intense presidency (providing he survives all assassination attempts). His socialist policies of wealth re-distribution, lower carbon emissions and general sugar, spice and everything niceness have seen him through some tough times and are unlikely to change before 2012. Once he is done saving America, fixing the planet and defeating the Yeerks (all to be completed by 2010) he will focus on achieving Nirvana in each individual American state, before establishing world peace and winning all of the Nobel Prizes.
Despite this level of Presidential Awesomeness and Krypton-Scale superpowers, he will be faced with a great challenge in the election, not because he is an ineffectual ruler or anything, it's simply because despite being the best thing to happen to American emotional well-being since Baywatch first aired, he will face a popularity crisis of unimaginable scale. Some people will claim that they liked the original Obama presidency so much, they will be worried that the sequel won't match expectations. Additionally, having done all these wonderful things, he will be faced with the challenge of remaining modest. It is very difficult to save everyone, everywhere, all the time and not look smug about it. As such people will think he is just showing off. Also, he's African-American.
Odds - 10:1
Armin the Hippy - Democrat
“Probably the greatest human I have ever met”
Armin the Hippy's story is a moving, convoluted and mostly inaccurate one. He was born in Virginia in 1963 to a mother and father whose name he forgets. As a child he was raised in a log cabin, probably. Since age six he has been permanently off his face, he was given his first joint by his aunt/uncle Bevis and has never looked back, only sideways. As a teenager he lived in a tree with squirrels. As an adult he kicked the squirrels out and and founded the Nation of Armin, an embryonic country-concept in which he was sole leader, parliament and voter. It was a project that ended badly when civil war broke out. Armin fell out of the tree and broke his collar bone. He spent a week in hospital. While in hospital he got doped up on pain medication, to the point that he can now no longer feel anything below his shoulders, because of this, he walks everywhere bare-foot.
Armin is a war hero. He fought in a war. He cannot remember which one. But there were foreigners, he can remember that much. Maybe it was the war with the French. Although technically a hippy-pacifist, he accidentally got recruited when heady on a mix of LSD, vodka and window cleaner. Armin stumbled in to the recruitment office, mistaking it for a Belviv Devoe concert. He danced solidly for three days before he realized there was no music, but it was too late by then, he was already being shot at. It must be said that Armin was not a very successful soldier, his long hair kept getting caught in the trigger of his rifle, his radio was always tuned to Jazz FM and he had a memory of only twelve minutes so would frequently get lost. Eventually, though, he was responsible for winning the war. In a top secret mission codenamed 'STARFISH', Armin was snuck past enemy lines and put in an enemy uniform, then left there to serve the enemy. The war finished in three days, Armin got the Medal of Honour.
When he returned back to America he quickly got embroiled in politics. During a session of Congress he stumbled in to the building, stark naked, and started talking a whole load of bollocks in to a microphone. He was heralded as a genius and a forward thinker. Armin served for many years as a speaker for the Democratic party and was eventually pushed to run for President by the ghost of John Lennon, who came to him in a dream, maybe.
Armin's proposed policies are unusual and badly worded, at best. An excerpt from his Presidential manifesto reads: "Section 9 - Tax Law and Subsidieries. Taxes will be cut by as much as nine and a half percent by the coming fiscle... fizcull... physical year with the exception of... of... of... hey look at that window. He he he. I bet it's made of magic glass. Look out of it and you can see forever, dude... The infinite is blue... Meow, woof, meow, woof, meow, woof, meow... what are you doing in here?" In future it may be better if he doesn't dictate his Presidential doctrine.
Although absent-minded, frequently illiterate and generally smelly, Armin is in with a good chance at election time. Mostly because of his relatable qualities, the public can identify with the dumb, stoned, bastard a lot more than they can with the well groomed 'establishment types'. Additionally, hippies have a strong underground brotherhood, similar to the Masons, that will all vote in favour of Armin if the command is given. Not only this, but even though he is incomprehensible and almost completely disconnected from reality, he is still one-up on most Republican candidates.
Odds - 4:1
“Everyone's always for saving Hitler's Brain, but when you put it in the body of a great white shark, suddenly you've gone too far!”
Everyone is familiar with the heart-murdering story of this little Austrian country boy who grew up to make sure that a whole generation of ethnic people didn't. But most people believe that the story ended in a bunker in 1945, in fact it didn't. The story picks up again in 2076, a group of scientists working in a secret government lab were able to salavage the remains of Adolf Hitler's brain. Having done this, they were at a loss for what to do next. Out of boredom they put it in the body of great white shark, only afterwards did they realize the destruction it would wreak. Although most other people would have realized this much earlier, unfortunately these scientists were very naieve.
Three thousand ethnic deaths later, the Hitler Shark was captured and sent back in time, the governing powers reasoned that "He couldn't do any real harm in the past, surely?" Unfortunately, someone set the controls on the time machine to the wrong setting and instead of going back to 2000 BC, the German shark monster went back to 2000 AD. When zoologists first discovered the shark monster they were baffled by it. They were further confounded when it started speaking German. Before they could work out what was going on, he had taken over their lab an begun work on a project he called 'Projekt-weiße Fische'. Within four years he had become deeply connected with the Republicans and had begun orchestrating behind the scenes workings of the party. Moving around without being noticed was a problem at first, but with a range of disguises and a series of aliases, he was able to hide his true identity.
Eventually, the time came when he had to reveal himself. He arranged a meeting with President George W. Bush. It is not entirely clear what was discussed at the meeting, but shortly after the discussion, Hitler Shark thing was announced as the new Secretary for Internal Affairs at the White House. He was given his own wing, complete with giant glass water tank and furnished with secretaries trained in advanced SCUBA diving. After George Bush left office, Hitler Shark began to campaign within the Republican party, rallying support from his fellows for a Presidential campaign. Currently he is the second most popular Republican ever lived.
If he were to become President, Hitler Shark's doctrine would involve: ethnic cleansing on a global scale; the annexation of Canada; war with England, France and Russia; the dissolution of the Senate; and the writing of a new national anthem called "Das ist verboten" set to the tune of the Imperial March. Although controversial, Hitler's brain is surprisingly popular, particularly in the Southern States. When confronted with the harsh truths of Hitler Shark's campaign, one Texan fell to his knees and shouted "That's what America's all about! Yeehaw!" The mere thought that Hitler's Brain could be elected to office has brought condemnation from everyone everywhere ever. Unfortunately, no one in America cares.
It has been pointed out that Hitler is technically German, and so should not be allowed to run for President. Republican spokes-people have responded saying that "His brain may be German, but that shark body is 100% American." It has been further pointed out that the particular species of Great White Shark that Hitler's brain is installed in, is in fact not found anywhere in American waters. The complaintants mysteriously disappeared after they made this point.
Odds - 7:1
Klingon Master Co-Deen - Republican
“Okh! Buk tookh, fak lachk! Chris Waddle!”
Co-Deen's story, really is the ideal picture of the American dream. Born on Qo'noS in the mid fifties, his impoverished family boarded a star freighter when he was little more than six, and set forth to find a new home. They arrived on Earth in the spring of 1965 and quickly moved to New York. They were encouraged to move there because, whereas in other parts of America their ridged foreheads would stand out, in New York they're nothing special. Co-Deen's father Vyka-Din opened a diner selling authentic Klingon cuisine on 34th street in Harlem. It quickly became a hit, and the restaurant business just grew and grew. Co-Deen worked diligently in the diner from age nine. First as a waiter, then as a chef, then as a full partner in the business. By 1982 they were the second most successful ethnic diner in Harlem.
Then came tragedy, a travelling group of Romulans came in to Vyka-Din's diner while Co-Deen was out at the chemists and robbed the restaurant, the stress gave Vyka-Din a heart attack and he died. (Ironically Co-Deen was buying tension relief tablets for his father) Co-Deen was forced to take on the business by himself to support his ailing mother Dewra-Fen. Despite the pressure, he was able to launch a successful chain of restaurants which he later sold on for great profit.
After selling the restaurant chain, he went in to politics, becoming elected as mayor of New York. He was responsible for taking New York to war with Romulus, and when the New Yorkian battle fleet returned home after their successful conquest of the Romulan territories, Co-Deen was greeted by the leader of the Klingon people and taken back to Qo'noS to be given the honour of Klingon High Master or 'Klaputh' (in the native Klingon tongue, this is pronounced simply by spitting on the floor).
On his home-coming to New York he was told of the great battles and wars occuring in the Middle East. He became an active participant in the Republican party from then on, becoming a senator for the state of New York. He was notable for his tendancy to get his way in negotiations with other senators by challenging them to single-combat if they disagreed with him. Most senators become too scared at this point to argue. Because of this effective negotiation style, his fellows suggested that he run for President. He agreed, given that the USA seemed to be taking a turn away from war, he feels the need to remedy this.
Incidentally. this pretty much sums up his suggested Presidential policies, his entire doctrine is just one word: "War".
His popularity is great, partly because of the massive number of Star Trek fans in America, but also because a lot of Americans like a good fight and Co-Deen promises lots of this.
Odds - 3:1
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