UnNews:Predictable old man breaks hip
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Predictable old man breaks hip
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, May 25, 2015, 15:48 (UTC)
1 January 2007
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AURORA, CO- Predicatable old Marty Thompson, an elderly Aurora resident, has broken his hip in a not-so-shocking accident that almost everybody could see coming. Family and friends of Thompson, 82, were left unshaken by the incident, which occurred early yesterday morning. Thompson was leaving Sunday Mass at the Grace Community Church in Aurora, Colorado, when he slipped and fell on the icy pavement outside, breaking his hip as he crashed to the floor. Onlookers giggled as members of the congregation attempted to lift Thompson, who groaned in pain with each movement. "My hip!," shouted Thompson, "It's mah damn hip!".
"I could see this one coming a mile off," commented Rick Steff, long-time friend and old US Army buddy of Thompson, "he's just a stereotypical senior citizen. Why, just last week, I was visiting his house, when I heard a crash. Next thing you know, I'm picking him up from the bathroom floor because he had a minor stroke. The guy's a joke."
"It's true," chimed Edward Douglas, next-door neighbor of Thompson, "he's a predictable old chump. The other day I had to take him inside and give him hot tea because he had collapsed on his front lawn when shovelling snow. Then I had to take him all the way up to the free clinic on Colfax Avenue because he needed a flu shot! I mean, what the fuck is that all about? Is he a baby?"
Thompson was admitted to to the Medical Center of Aurora where he is said to be in stable condition. In the back of everybody's mind, Thompson celebrated The New Year of a glass of orange juice and a mouldy old jelly roll, listening to the depressingly lonely countdown on KFMD, Denver's premier pop radio station. The old bastard has made no comment to news agencies on his condition.