UnNews:Powerball winner also wins "Dumbest SOB on Planet" award
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|This article is part of UnNews||Where man always bites dog|
16 January 2007
|UnNews Audio (file info)|
|Listen to this story!|
CHARLESTON, West Virginia -- The prestigious "Dumbest Son of a Bitch on the Planet" Award was bestowed on Powerball winner Jack Whittaker on Tuesday, after he revealed that he can't pay a settlement to a casino worker because he lost all of his money due to a hole in his pants pocket.
He sent news of his huge, ridiculous loss in a note last fall to a lawyer for Kitti French, who accused him of assaulting her at the Tri-State Racetrack and Gaming Center, a slots-only casino near Charleston, according to a motion French's lawyer filed this week demanding payment of the confidential settlement.
Whittaker told French's lawyer, John Barrett, that he had meant to use some of his winnings to get his pants pocket sewn up, but never got around to it.
Since winning the Powerball lottery, Whittaker has faced his granddaughter's death by drug overdose; he has been sued for bouncing checks at Atlantic City, N.J., casinos; he has been ordered to undergo rehab after being arrested on drunken driving charges; his vehicles and business have been burglarized; and he has been sued by the father of an 18-year-old boy, a friend of his granddaughter's, who was found dead in Whittaker's house.
"I still got my health, though," Whittaker wrote. "That's all that really matters."