UnNews:Power-elite see error of their ways, repent
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Power-elite see error of their ways, repent
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, July 5, 2015, 14:30:UTC)(
9 May 2007
Today, one hundred thousand of the most powerful men and women across the planet stopped and wondered if the world they were creating would, in the long run, even benefit those at the very top of the foodchain in society.
‘Really, all we’ve ever done in the past was keep the mass man enslaved by pulling one act of deception after another. And if they ever got too rowdy we just unleashed some visigoths on them. Then we’d pat each other on the backs and chuckle as war and famine consumed our subjects. But there was little comfort in moving on to a new nation to play the same game all over again,’ a sorry Margaret Thatcher said.
Disillusioned by their millennia-old plans to dominate the planet, including its inhabitants, and yearning to achieve an alternative, persons in key positions of power in government, media, and production began to work for the first time in history to free and better mankind.
The first of many changes to occur took place in China, when the CCP decreed that all production of cheap plastic goods were to end immediately, and a moratorium on all non-vital works to mobilize the nation for agricultural production, according to our dear leader Hu Jintao, ‘until not one man, woman, or child shall be troubled for lack of food.’
Governments of all countries have followed suit.
Monsanto spokesperson, Mark Tiller, says: ‘The earth is rich and abundant. Not only is overpopulation a hoax, but it is not physically possible as we humans create CO2 and nutrient-dense defecation for feeding plants and fertilizing soil. Using the sewage we’ve collected from your toilet and stored the past century, we will cultivate the soil so that by the end of next week the planet will be fertile enough to support our current population many times over. And now that we’re not trying to starve the populace to death, we can finally use our nuclear-powered agriculture robots we’ve been keeping a lid on for almost a hundred years.’
When asked about the lobotomizing effects of consuming GMO’s contaminating the environment due to Monsanto, Tiller assured reporters that such maladies would undoubtedly be neutralized by the cigarette-pack sized “cure for all diseases” medical devices distributed by the health departments of all countries and WHO.
Reception by the oppressed of the changes in policy was at first one of panic and confusion, but soon became relief when it was found the common man would no longer have to worry about taxes, their financial situations, or not having enough food or a roof over their heads.
At 12:00 UDT, a global voice-to-skull transmission by longtime elitist John D. Rockefeller was given via cell towers to address everyone on the planet, and was heard in 200 different languages. Transcript:
‘People of ___________, today I have come to speak, as one who stands trial before a jury of his fellow man. I, John D. Rockefeller plead guilty of conspiracy and complicity in all revolutions and political upheavals of the past 150 years. In my quest for world domination I have wrought destruction, and death has followed in my wake. Long have my peers and I sought to subdue the will of all living men, and we have made a science of it, having put barriers between nations, fomented distrust among neighbors, turned man against man, and destroyed the family so that none would resist us. Countless lives have been used as canonfodder, and many civilizations have risen and fallen in culmination for the ultimate world-state, a dictatorship of a magnitude this world has yet seen.
But truly, I say, I have begun to see the folly in my ways, and that of my brothers. Not too long ago it was once said, How can a civilization be built without slaves? This is the answer: No civilization could possibly be built upon the sweat and blood of men held in bondage. And oft have I quoted Robespierre, an 18th Century dictator who said: An omelette can’t be made without breaking eggs. It was merely idle boast; never have I made an omelette in my life.
Therefore, I say unto you, citizens of the planet: declare your will as to what my fate shall be. If you desire justice to be met, and appease the spirits of your ancestors whom I have caused to die, penniless and broken, raise up your right hand, and if it be the will of the people, I will perform Seppuku. But if you can find it within your hearts to pardon my crimes against humanity, and allow me to use my intellect and knowledge for improving the lot of man, then raise up your left hand. Let the voice of man be heard. John, thank you.’
Votes were processed and tallied by infrared-imaging satellites orbiting the globe, and results were published two minutes after John D. Rockefeller addressed the people: 42,514,893 voting for Seppuku; 6,473,173,579 voting no Seppuku; and 83,714,259 abstaining.
Christians across the world expressed serious concern at these recent changes and developments, namely that now the reign of Satan on Earth seems to have ended with the dispersal of the hegemony of power-elite, and yet neither the Rapture nor the Apocalypse are within sight.
Television evangelist Charlie Chaplin, in his final evangelical speech, directed a statement to Christians keen on seeing apocalyptic disasters come to pass: ‘Christians! Don’t sit there waiting for Jesus to save you, fight for your freedom and liberty yourself! In the seventeenth chapter of Saint Luke it is written, "the kingdom of God is within man" -- not one man, nor a group of men, but in all men, in you, you the people have the power, the power to create machines, the power to create happiness. You the people have the power to make this life free and beautiful, to make this life a wonderful adventure.’