UnNews:Potter gives opinion on Subprime mortgage crisis
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Potter gives opinion on Subprime mortgage crisis
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, December 5, 2016, 12:32:UTC)(
16 December 2007
Potterville Bedford Falls, NY -- Mr. Potter, the richest man in town, has recently given his opinion on the subprime mortgage crisis. In his weekly radio address to the AFRS, he was quoted as saying, '"Foreclose! Foreclose now! That's what my bank's been doing. I can't be responsible for a bunch of taxi drivers who sit on their brains all day."'
Not everyone in Bedford Falls feels the same way, however. Mr George Bailey, a very vocal critic from the local Building and Loan was more sympathetic. '"You can't foreclose on that many families. Those people have children!"'
Mr Potter was not deterred, however. He responded by saying, '"Well, they're not MY children!"'. He had more to state about the Building and Loan. '"That Bailey family is a bunch of nuts. They've never made a dollar in their whole lives. They also misappropriate funds from their books, hire alcoholics to run their business, and lie to bank examiners. I have even heard that George, himself, has been caught talking to celestial beings. He has been suicidal and I heard he once wished that he was never born, and is worth more dead than alive anyway, the communist!'"
When UnNews pressed Potter for a more positive solution to the crisis, he elaborated further. '"You tell your customers to bring their shares over to my bank here and I'll guarantee them 50 cents on the dollar! Because, if the subprime market closes its doors today; they'll never reopen.'"
Mr. Potter was known, many years ago, as a wizard prodigy when he was a young man. A terrible encounter with an evil supervillain whose name I will not say left him jaded, stingy, and miserly. Since that time, he has occupied himself as a real estate investor in Bedford Falls.
- Harry Potter "["http://www.itsawonderfullife.com" Potter claims subprime should be foreclosed]". Bedford Falls Register, Dec 16, 2007
- George Bailey "["http://www.angryalien.com/1204/wonderful_lifebuns.asp" Its a wonderful life with bunnies]". Communist Propaganda, Dec 17, 2007