UnNews:Potential Teachers' strike causes panic

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12 April 2012

Longqueue

Q is for queue.

London, England -- After the threat of teachers taking strike action, queues have formed around hundreds of schools in England. Mr Cashew, a spokesman for teachers' union NUT, explained that academic staff were striking over pensions, pay cuts and troubled water. A secondary school maths teacher summed up the problem by blaming the government and then presented a graphic solution to find the root of the issue: involving an abacus, a protractor and Fermat's Last Theorem.

A Cabinet Minister is quoted as screaming "Quickly! Hurry! Grab a tutor before it's too late! AAAAH!". This statement was later withdrawn by Downing Street and an instruction "to remain calm" was issued in its stead.

The consequences have been catastrophic as a desire for education has swept through the suburbs. Panic buying of schooling has led to a scarcity in history, geography, common sense, chemistry and desks. Supermarkets have been unable to deal with the sudden demand for apples as thousands of pupils aim to bribe their teachers. Braeburn are currently the most popular whilst Cox are coming in a close second. Presently supermarkets are calling on their core suppliers but in many cases have found their appeals fruitless. Some parents have even resorted to instilling bisexual tendencies in their sons so that their chances of acceptance at leading public schools might increase. Already one member of the public has been injured, after he tweeted "Pensions are tight, but students wont be taut..." and one of his twelve followers betrayed him to the Roman authorities.


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