UnNews:Porn is finished, kaput, out of here, gonzo
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Porn is finished, kaput, out of here, gonzo
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, January 24, 2017, 09:27:UTC)(
5 January 2007
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Planet Earth, and everywhere today saw a marked decline in the level of pornographic data being transmitted over the internet, between cellphones and even, if early reports are to be believed, a drastic cut in the numbers of pre-soiled magazines being left underneath bushes and in rail sidings. And the reason? Commentators believe the internet itself is to blame, for allowing people to see for the first time in history precisely what they've been missing.
- "It's just decimated our industry in recent years," said one fairly elderly man who really should have stopped screwing around years ago. "When I got into this, I was having sex five times a day six days a week with women usually. My work would be distributed by some people who thought of themselves as Italian, as a rented 30-second grainy 8mm loop ... now it's so easy to get hold of porn the public don't care who's in it or whether they paid for it, just so long as it's new."
- "It's totally true," reported another industry stalwart, some haggard old troll with a voice like a phonograph recording. "It was bad enough when home video made it easy to copy our work and paying for each pointless, badly-done boob job meant remortgaging grandma's house, now it's a question of 'Do I work today and eat tonight, or mug somebody and get money that way'. It's a real problem."
But analysts - with a "Y" - suggest a downward trend that has been creeping
up down over time, building falling to a point of prolapse collapse. Some have been stating for years that the free dissemination of all types of information over the internet would inevitably lead to a greater general level of understanding on all topics, and are now claiming vindication with this latest development.
- "More than anything what internet pornography has done is show people that yes, everyone can get laid, no matter how ugly they are or what freakish deviation from good old in-out-shake-it-all-about sex rocks their world," stated opinion-for-hire #1. "Think about it: why travel to California, meet a bunch of people who think acting is something you do rather than something you are, catch gonorrhea from about four of them simultaneously and alienate all your friends and relatives when you can simply look up a swinger's club you haven't tried before and not get blackmailed out of that career-topping, pension-upgrading promotion five years before you retire?"
A report by Professor Doo, Professor of Communication at Harvard, for the FCC was released earlier this week and suggests that the rapid rate at which new releases are rented, ripped and ruploaded: "[M]ay be arribrured enrirery roo arararigiry" although this has been dismissed by industry insiders as "Crazy gibberish".
What the former industry does agree on, however, is that as porn has become more mainstream in recent years productions have had to become more shocking in order to stand out from the crowd, with titles (and content) ranging from the "High-School Janitor Bang" series, through big-budget gonzo "≤ (Anal)" to the most recent trend-setter before today's nosedive, the pseudo-arthouse "Annelida Prolapsum", which courted controversy from animal rights activists in order to garner publicity and boost sales.
- "This is precisely what happened with television after the introduction of cable and satellite," commented cigar-chomping median fathead Michael Grade earlier. "As soon as people realised you can make telly on a shoestring because other people will watch any old crap - I'm sorry, would you pass the thousand island? These Macanudos are a little dry. Thanks old chum - yes, people will look at anything, sometimes until their eyes bleed. Television took on the role of the medieval leech, and now the internet has taken on...no, no I'm sorry, I thought I had a clever analogy there, but I lost it. Monte Cristo? They're faintly beefy you know."
Most ordinary members of the public are claiming to be happy with the changes going on, as their houses are unlikely to be foreclosed on and they will be having sex more often in future, since anyone with skin and a face of some description, or even with bones to jump, knows they can now get laid. The only real losers - apart from those who borrowed money to buy property based on their ability to look good whilst having sex - are those whose campaigns against what they see as the moral decrepitude of the world have all failed in the worst way possible. Speaking from his hiding place splattered across the mountains of Afghanistan, Original Osama Bin Laden today proclaimed victory, although he admitted he was not sure how since people would still be having sex and would be no closer to his particular brand of stringent Islamic life.
Closer to pornography's spiritual home, Pat Robertson was today said to be "conflicted" by a spokesman.
- "Pat's a simple, everyday man with simple, everyday values," said the suit-wearing God-botherer. "Something like this just confuses the fuck out of him."