Population of men who identify as gay up nearly 200% in month following leak of Snooki nudes
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, May 2, 2016, 03:55:UTC)(
3 July 2012
MARLBORO, New York -- Pregnant Jersey Shore star, Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi, has once again grabbed headlines in the last month, becoming the most recent pop culture star to have intimate photographs leaked from their cellphone. In the month since their release, the LGBT community has announced a massive increase in new membership among recently out of the closet males, many of whom had never exhibited homosexual tendencies prior to viewing the photos.
The photos depict Snooki in a see-through nightgown, which leaves nothing to the imagination, exposing her breasts and vagina. One of the more intimate photographs shows a large gaping vagina staring right at the camera; exactly what most people assumed Snooki's vagina would look like. Vinny Guadagnino, one of Snooki's co-stars on Jersey Shore, and a frequent inhabiter of her vagina, came out in mid-June to confirm that the photos are of Snooki, and they have not been doctored in any way. This was a disturbing revelation that confirmed that the vagina actually does exist, and is not just a sick joke perpetuated by the Internet.
Recently out-of-the-closet sixteen year old, Erik Allen, described the up-close picture of Snooki's vagina as "What is that? Do all of them look like that? That's disgusting!" Allen sought immediate consultation, and two weeks later announced to his family that he was gay. Erik Allen was not just an isolated case: all across America (and in some parts of Europe and China, but for reasons unknown, not Portugal), local LGBT communities have been reporting hundreds, if not thousands of new members. Nearly 96% of these new members admit to having seen the Snooki nude photographs, at least in passing.
The overwhelming opinion of the photos is very negative. Comments similar to Allen's can be found all over the Internet, most commonly questioning how a loving God could have allowed a vagina that looks like that to exist. Many men immediately came out of the closet after viewing the pictures, including gay celebrity news blogger, Perez Hilton, who announced he was "re-coming out of the closet" on June 12th after discussing it with his partner. Hilton has continued to blog throughout this ordeal, updating his followers on his transition to a re-out-of-the-closet lifestyle.
Despite the consensus that the photos should be taken down immediately if the human race is to survive, every few days a comment appears on the photos claiming that the poster "will be fapping to this later!" These disgusting claims have been embarrassing to the internet as a whole. These posts are most likely from Jersey Shore cast member Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino, who is either trolling internet forums out of jealousy of not being the first Jersey Shore member whose nude photographs have been leaked, or genuinely is going to fap to them later. Internet users are hoping for the former but expecting the latter.
- Linda Massarella "Embarrassment for Jersey Shore's Snooki as 'nude photos' surface online". Mail Online, June 8, 2012
- Louis Peitzman "Obvious Snooki Nude Pics Are Obviously Snooki, Snooki’s Rep Confirms". Gawker, June 11, 2012