UnNews:Popeye in critical condition from E. coli in spinach
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Popeye in critical condition from E. coli in spinach
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Saturday, April 30, 2016, 18:53:UTC)(
17 September 2006
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SAN FRANCISCO, California -- Popeye the sailor was listed in critical condition at the Navy hospital in San Francisco today, after suffering from an E. coli infection. The dangerous bacteria's source was a batch of tainted spinach - the famous sailor's favorite dish. Natural Selection Foods LLC has recalled all its spinach packages in the United States, but not from Mexico, saying that the poor sanitary conditions in that country have made the population largely immune to such mundane bacterial diseases.
Meanwhile, doctors are keeping a close eye on Popeye's recovery. "It's really touch and go at this point," revealed lead physician Bill Barnacle grimly. "The sailor apparently acquired almost every disease attributable to E. Coli. These include a urinary tract infection, meningitis, peritonitis, pneumonia, squinty eye syndrome, and the condition known as 'bulgi-king biceps.'"
Popeye's girlfriend Olive Oyl is said to be devastated, even blaming herself for her boyfriend's near-fatal poisoning. Teary eyed, she explained, "I was the one that cooked him dinner today. I made all that spinach." Other family members say Popeye eats up to twenty pounds of the leafy vegetable per day. They say he does so to maintain his health and counter the loads of tobacco he smokes daily in his corncob pipe.
President Bush sent his wishes for a quick recovery to Popeye, noting in an impromptu speech that the tough sailor is "an integral part of the war on terror. If Osama Bin Laden ever tries to escape on the high seas, Popeye will surely catch him." The decorated sailor served with distinction in World War II, foiling the plans of numerous stereotypical Japanese villains. In a rare sign of bipartisanship, Democratic party members joined the president in a special prayer service for the stricken sailor, with Senate minority leader Harry Reid even going as far as to tattoo an anchor on his forearm as a sign of empathy.
Representatives from the company that packaged the disease spinach were deeply apologetic, but the US military has already moved to cancel its contract for supplying food to troops in Iraq. "We'll go back to using Halliburton instead" commented Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld. Officials at the Centers for Disease Control are still in the process of investigating the original source of the spinach infection. Terrorism has not yet been ruled out, but some leads point to the culprit being Bluto - Popeye's archnemesis.