UnNews:Popeye Busted for Steroid Use
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Popeye Busted for Steroid Use
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, May 4, 2016, 13:39:UTC)(
19 June 2006
Chief Justice Harry Fishnut presided over the very emotional case for the past thirteen weeks. Today was the final day of the case. Before today's session, when asked what flavor of fried beans he prefers, he responded, "Get those dang cameras and energy bars away from me!"
Today's sentencing was handed down after numerous testimonies and presentations by the defense and the prosecution. The prosecution's most helpful witness was Deep Moat, the anonymous benefactor who sent in testimony via videotapes that came inside the Cake of the Day from IHOP, which would always be specially ordered whenever Kermit the Frog entered in. Deep Moat had numerous pictures, reciepts, and cake recipes that drove the syringe in the arm of today's conclusion.
After nine days, six hours, three minutes, one second of deliberations, the jury handed down a verdict.
"We, the jury, find the defendant, Popeye D. Saylorman, gulity of steroid use in the nth degree."
Popeye said he would appeal the ruling, citing numerous circumstantial pieces of evidence and testimony.
"I know for a fact that he never indulged," said devoted wife Olive Oyl. "I mean, he would get up, go to the gym, come home, eat pancakes, and watch Big Chuck and Little John until he keeled over from the roofing tar he drank."
About the case, the judge said, "I mean, our little game of baseball in the courtroom after the verdict really didn't go well. Our tennis rackets were, like, full of holes, and we weren't hitting the football well."
Sentencing occurred soon after: "I sentence the defendant to 1,400 seconds of community service, as well as singing I'm a Little Teapot in front of the firing squad."
Popeye had this to say:
"I yam what I yam, but I ain't no steroid user."
Popeye's appeal was granted because of new evidence given six seconds after sentencing that proved that he was framed. Unfortunately, the next court date has been set for Independance Day, when the judge will be lighting off fireworks with the beard of the elderly man next door.