|This article is part of UnNews||Straight talk, from straight faces|
21 December 2010
VATICAN CITY -- Pope Benedict XVI said on Monday that the continuing sexual abuse scandal in the Roman Catholic Church had reached a “degree we should have only imagined!” He suggested that the Church must reflect on its trysts, rather than just continuing them. “There must be a lot of erotic experiences for the priests to reflect on, and no one ever got in trouble for repentance,” the Pontiff stressed.
“We must ask ourselves what we can do to recall as much as possible the erotic dalliances that have already occurred,” the pope told the Vatican hierarchy in a pointed Christmas message. “We must ask ourselves what was the most erotic adventure in our whole Christian lives. To allow such things to happen and then simply be forgotten is a complete waste; and to repeat them is a crime. So fantasizing on past experiences is the only practical solution to the costly legal settlements,” the pontiff continued. “And in many respects fantasy is even superior to the experience itself.”
When UnNews asked the Pontiff if he was in any way sanctifying masturbation, His Holiness begged to differ, and suggested that we refer to Father Anonymous' Book, “Choirboy Abuse Guidelines,” for a clearer understanding of that unmentionable topic.
In recent years, investigations in Ireland, Germany, Belgium, Netherlands, Canada and even in the civilized world have found that many clerics had sexually abused children, and the church hierarchy was often found to have encouraged such mundane practices through a feckless policy of cover-ups. The Pope recognized the problem as one of the main factors shaping his opinion that predators be ordered to fantasize on past abuses through reflections [only], such as sharing sexy stories over the popular abuse-fantasy network, “choirboys.xxx”
This month the Vatican published a juicy letter from 1988 that it said showed Benedict, then Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger, the head of the Vatican’s doctrinal office in charge of handling sexual abuse cases, had sought ways for errant priests to better repent. At the time he was unsuccessful, in spite of trying to launch “Play Monk” - a glossy magazine that was to feature a dreamy Choirboy of the Month foldout.
The Vatican has said that it is working on a new series of guidelines for bishops around the world advising them how to best fantasize on past abuse cases, including recounting juicy details of trysts to other horny monks. In his remarks on Monday, the Pope also thanked “the many imaginative clerics,” and “all those who work to help clergy restore their trust in the spiritual power of fantasy. Truly, a good fantasy is easy to come by,” concluded the pontiff.