UnNews:Pope to wed as Vatican supports gay marriage
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Pope to wed as Vatican supports gay marriage
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Saturday, March 25, 2017, 13:39:UTC)(
29 December 2013
VATICAN CITY -- Defying the past and opening a new portal for celibate priests to enter, the Vatican has finally accepted the concept of Gay Marriage. Pope Francis, who championed the idea from behind closet doors, has sent for his long time Brazilian lover Cristo Redentor so they can tie the love knot.
RAI TV, the Italian State network, has set aside an hour on New Year's Eve to televise the ceremony. Dignitaries and assorted Brazilian Transsexuals from bars all across the world are expected to fill Vatican Square for the open-air ceremony. However, in conformity with Vatican procedure, no one with a mini skirt more than 14 inches above the knee will be permitted to attend. The Swiss Guards have been order to measure as gently as possible and those with very large measurements will be referred to the 'non-celibate priest’s recreation area' for further examinations. In the meantime,The Vatican Post Office will be celebrating the historic event by issuing a series of commemorative coins and stamps with a controversial backside. The design is currently robed in secrecy. Insiders suggest it will resemble Michelangelo’s Nude David as viewed from behind, an artistic triumph that defies gender.(see photo of Michelangelo's David)
In a gesture of ecumenical solidarity, Billy Graham, the American religious icon know as “the President’s Ear to God”, has been invited to officiate. This is the first time a non-Catholic will be permitted to perform a religious ceremony within the Vatican sepulcher. In the event Graham predeceases, his fragile health and poor hearing are as well publicized as his families’ desire to inherit, the ceremony will be performed by the Holy Ghost.
Notable foreign dignitaries present will include the very Catholic Governor of New Jersey, Chris “Crisco” Christi who has adopted a notable change of attitude towards same-sex marriage, a bill he recently vetoed. He will now support Gay Marriage for any state other than his own. His wife, in complete agreement added, “It’s about time Crisco was not only happy but gay, God knows he hasn’t grabbed anything except a fried chicken thigh in years. If it wasn’t for Father Pete I’d be childless. Is that microphone on?”
Prince Philip, a long suspected participant in clandestine gender benders will attend as well but will wear a full-length beard to mask any sense of impropriety. His dalliances with Buckingham Palace’s gardeners left enough dirt on his marble floors to be even noticed by the late Princess Diana, who looked up from time to time and complained of back pain to her paramour. Elton John is preparing a rewrite of “The Yellow Brick Road” that will be used as a wedding march. Elton is expected to conduct the Vatican Symphony Orchestra dressed as Cupid. Bill O’Reilly, the Fox TV proctologist and annalist remains aghast at this turn of events and has readied a new tome titled, “Who Killed Francis?,” whose publication is scheduled to coincide with the marriage ceremony that his publishing company is sponsoring.
In an attempt to placate bored tourists, a portion of Michelangelo’s Sistine Chapel paintings are being scraped clean so that this momentous occasion can be painted al fresco. Jeff Koons, perhaps the most famous artist of our time has offered to paint the wedding and replace La Pieta with a nude statue of the two frolicking newlyweds. (see photo of Koon's Sculture)
Most fans are most anxious to see the Pope’s Balls, that will be held at various venues in the Vatican. In nearby Rome, nocturnal partygoers fear the hairy traffic will clog up the Via Venito and make exploration of the fabled city a true adventure. Guides, known in dialect as “chicheroni” are already advertising their rates for extended services and are expecting an economic stimulus from the whole affair.
Late breaking news indicates that the Pope’s Brazilian lover Redentor is Mormon and in line with the dictates of the Mormon Church both marriage participants will be wearing at most Magical Underpants. This curiosity has made the marriage ceremony a must see event.