UnNews:Pope slanders Jews to appease Muslims after call for Crusade
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Pope slanders Jews to appease Muslims after call for Crusade
Truth doesn't "live here" — It's just camping out
Wednesday, December 7, 2016, 16:29:UTC)(
16 September 2006
|UnNews Audio (file info)|
|Listen to this story!|
Problems playing this file? You might be a dope.
VATICAN CITY -- Pope Benedict XVI is stirring more trouble today, this time by offending the Jewish religion. In a speech to the faithful on Saturday, the pontiff made a number of derogatory remarks against the Hebrew faith, as well as against the state of Israel.
Officials say the speech was meant only to appease Muslims after they were angered at the Pope's Friday declaration to launch a new Crusade to reclaim the Holy Land. Vatican secretary of state Cardinal Tarcisio Bertone tried to ease tensions by explaining that "Benedict knows that Muslims hate Jews, so he assumed that by saying a few anti-Semitic remarks he would appease them; he did not at all mean to offend Jews in any way."
The whole controversy began when the Pope quoted 14th century Byzantine Emperor Manuel Paleologus II in saying that the followers of the prophet Mohammed "bring nothing but evil" and that they are "inhuman." The Vatican stressed that the Holy Father was merely quoting the medieval leader, and didn't directly express his opinions about his views.
Benedict XVI tried a similar approach today when slandering the Jews. He quoted 20th century German dictator Adolf Hitler, who said that Jews were "greedy, filthy bastards; an abomination to God" and that they should be "exterminated." He also quoted heavily from current Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, including the phrase "Israel should be wiped off the map." The speech fueled Jewish perception that the Pope is akin to the fictional Emperor Palpatine from Star Wars. The Pope was upset at such comparisons, and dismissed them saying, "I have respect for everyone and their religions. I just want people to join the Christian Side and use their spiritual force for evil... err, I mean, for good."
Ironically, the Pope's latest remarks brought new peace between Jews and Muslims in the Middle East, as both groups united against the Christians instead of fighting each other. "It's wonderful to see Israeli and Palestinian children side by side, throwing rocks at the Catholic churches in Jerusalem," commented the visibly moved Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert, who himself stood at the press conference right next to Hamas leader Ismail Haniyeh, formerly a bitter enemy.
The situation complicates the Pope's plans to re-conquer the Holy Land. Last week he echoed medieval pontiff Urban II and urged the faithful to rise up in arms and reclaim the sacred places where Jesus lived and died. The call for a 21st century Crusade was met with little enthusiasm though, and Benedict XVI was very disappointed to hear that his elite Swiss Guard numbers only a few dozen men and is armed mainly with obsolete weaponry.