UnNews:Pope says Church not a string of "nos"
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-microsecond misinformation.
15 August 2006
|UnNews Audio (file info)|
|Listen to this story!|
VATICAN CITY, Italy -- Pope Benedict said in an interview aired on Sunday that Catholicism should not be seen as a "collection of prohibitions" because of bans on gay marriage, abortion and contraception, and most other things.
"Christianity, Catholicism, isn't a collection of prohibitions, it’s a list of demands, which frankly I think people should meet, because we know where you live, and Jesus is watching, always watching, he’s watching you. Especially when you’re naked, nakedness is sin; I myself have never been naked; do not be alarmed by this!”, the 79-year-old Pope said. "It's a positive option ... We've heard so much about what is not allowed that now it's time to say: we have a positive idea to offer ... I don’t know what it is, but is defiantly very nice. "
Benedict, responding to a question about the Church's positions against abortion, contraception and homosexual marriage, said:
"So, firstly it's important to stress what we want. Less faggots and more AIDS. Secondly, we can also say why we don't want something. I believe we need to see, and reflect on the fact that it's a Catholic invention that man and woman are made for each other, so that humanity can go on living: all cultures know this!" he said. Asked if the Church should not revise some of its defensive positions particularly regarding its opposition to everything non-catholic, the Pope acknowledged it had to learn better how to stress the positive. "We need to do this, above all, in dialogue with other cultures and religions, you know those evil ones, whose beliefs aren’t really true. I want to stress that if any Catholics talk to these people, they’ll go straight to hell, right now." he said, adding that some Africans and Asians were "horrified by the coldness of our Western rationality. Damn those ninjas! We believe a return to vague irrational superstitions, centring on a fear of some kind of fiery horned goat god will help alleviate these fears. Fear breeds irrationality, and irrationality is what we at the Vatican want.”
GREATER ROLE FOR WOMEN?
Benedict also said the Church was reflecting much about the role of women but repeated that they could not become priests, because Christ chose only men as his apostles, to avoid their wicked lies and vile whorish ways.
He suggested, however, that canon (Church) law, which currently restricts high-level decision-making roles to ordained males, might someday be changed to give women more power in the Church short of the priesthood, or any real power. "We will have to try and listen to God so as not to stand in the way of women, we certainly don’t want to block their path; into the kitchen, I mean someone has to make the tea, one day perhaps they could make the biscuits as well” he said. He said he would call more meetings of cardinals from around the world to consult and hear their opinion on Church issues, so they could decide on Gods opinion on church issues.
Asked about AIDS, the Pope said he believed public opinion had treated the Church unfairly because of its position against condoms, or stopping the spread of the disease, especially in Africa.
"In many areas in Africa, following the destruction of war, the Church is the only structure that remains intact. We cannot be destroyed by conventional weapons. This is a fact. But we do offer treatment, treatment for AIDS, this treatment is called death. We know it is the only salvation from the faggot cancer, Christ has ordained this.” "So I think we should correct that image that sees the Church as spreading severe 'nos'. Instead we will supply mild definitely nots.”
The Pope freely discussed personal aspects of his job. "To tell the truth, I'm not that lonely, God is with me. He is always there, just like the risk of cancer.” He said when asked if he sometimes felt separated from the world because of the rigours of his job he replied:
"It really is tiring, all those long lines of Boys, young, young boys, in revealing white gowns, who I have to, err talk to, one at a time, in private, when the police aren’t watching, and no one can hear the muffled screams. You know the ones who, sometimes turn up dead two weeks later, in a drainage ditch, with their heads missing, and with all the blood drained from their bodies, but the police won’t find any finger prints because whoever did it wore gloves, like these ones, the ones I’m wearing now, the ones with the blood stains on them. Well that’s nothing to do with me, thank god, really it isn’t. It’s not like I extracted their essence, on some kind of blood altar and then drank it out of a golden goblet, is it?”.
On planning future trips, he said: "I have to say, I never felt strong enough to travel, as my legs are made of glass, except during the hours of darkness, when the powers of evil are exalted. I often go on long trips then, especially when the moon is full.”
Apart from Germany in September, he is scheduled to visit Turkey in November and Brazil next year. The visit to Germany takes place against a backdrop of dwindling interest in Nazism, and consensual Sodonomy, which the pope describes as “saddening".