UnNews:Pope praises Jamie Lynn Spears for not using birth control
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Pope praises Jamie Lynn Spears for not using birth control
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, November 26, 2015, 01:16:UTC)(
5 January 2008
VATICAN CITY, Prussia -- In a stirring sermon given yesterday afternoon, Pope Benedict XVI praised Jamie Lynn Spears, Britney Spears's sixteen-year old sister who is now pregnant, for upholding her moral standards and refusing to use Birth control when she had sex with her 104 year-old boyfriend, Pugsly Addams.
"Spero ut is gave is ut suus ferreus. Is est iustus amo suus sanctimonialis a meretricis quod amo sex etiam? Is sino pretium pro suus vitium. fervens!" ("Blessed be from the fruit of her liaison shall come a prophet from her loins,") said the Pope.
A week ago, it was announced in a popular magazine that Jamie Lynn was 12 weeks pregnant. Nickelodeon, the television network that carries Jamie Lynn's popular television series, Zoey 101 said, "We know this is a very difficult time for our studio executives--I mean--for Miss Spears and her family. Our primary concern is for our own profits--I mean--for Miss Spears's well being."
The impregnation of Jamie Lynn has led to some controversy; if she was impregnated in California, it was legal, but if the act took place outside the state, then it may be considered statutory rape. It all depends on where conception occured. One man, a California resident, claims he saw Jamie Lynn and her boyfriend engaging in intercourse on the roof of a building straddling the San Diego / Tijuana border. "Yep, they were both up there, goin' at it like crazy," he said, "I'm 80% sure it was them. Either that, or it was just a pair of extremely obese pigeons. I didn't have my glasses at the time."
In light of the Pope's praise, the controversy is fading. "Conception outside of marriage is a sin, and a serious evil;" continued the Pope in his speech, "however, if they had used a Condom or any other such evil, twisted device, they would have been corrupting the natural process of procreation of life, and thus more evil and a mortal sin. I certainly hope that her pregnancy, in all its holy, natural glory, will help convince other young ladies to shun the birth control, and embrace the act of sexual intercourse, the way God meant it to be: evil but necessary."
After the Pope's praise of Jamie Lynn, many religious leaders have followed his lead in embracing Jamie Lynn Spears as a representative of moral soundness and secure family values. "My daughter never was into Zoey 101 before," said one woman on her way to Wal-Mart, "But now, I'm buying her all the Jamie Lynn Spears merchandise I can find! That way, by the time my daughter's old enough to have sex, she'll know for sure that it's much less evil to have an unwanted pregnancy than it is to use..." at this point, the woman paused and glanced around nervously, as if mere mention of the subject was enough to conjure the Devil himself, "...a glove."
Nickelodeon has not, as of yet, stated whether or not it agrees with the Pope on his official stance of supporting Jamie Lynn's shunning of birth control. However, it has been confirmed that a series finale for Zoey 101 is planned: the series will move to a Catholic girls convent school for unwed mothers. The rumors that Jamie Lynn would 'die in a mysterious and slutty car crash and her name erased from the credits' were denied. What Nickelodeon plans to do about the confirmed pregnancy of Angelica Pickles from Rugrats is, as of yet, unknown.
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