UnNews:Pope on Viagra
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10 June 2006
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VATICAN CITY, Rome, Italy -- Last week Pope Benedict XVI issued a Papal Ocelot, a direct order to Catholics of slightly less infallibility than a Papal Bull, in support of pushing the pharmaceutical Viagra for Catholics. Following the elevation of the Host during a June 4 Mass in Saint Peter's Square, the Pope announced to the jubilant throng that the Catholic Church is, "down mit Viagra, ja".
UnNews brings you, dear readers, a transcript of our exclusive interview with His Holiness the Pope. Conducted by our intrepid reporter, philanderer, and git, Wayne Kepuckle. Due to budgetary buggery constraints, the parts or Mr. Kepuckle and His Eminence will both be read by our own Chaplain, Denis Zim. Denis will be using a dreadful German accent for His Holiness' voice to distinguish it from that of Wayne.
- UnNews: Good evening, your Holiness.
- Pope Benedict XVI: Good evening, my son.
- un: Dad!? You're my Dad! Oh my God, I've been trying to track you down for years! Why did you leave us, you bastard? Mum was devastated when you just walked o..
- pb: No, no, no "my son" is just a figure of speech, I call all civilians "my son".
- un: Umm sorry about that, shall we start again?
- pb: Please.
- un: Well your Holiness, we're here to discuss your surprising announcement last week that it is OK for Catholic men to use Viagra.
- pb: More than that. It is actually their duty as Catholics to use viagra.
- un: Their duty?
- pb: Yes, my s.. umm, young man, their duty. All Catholic men should be using Viagra and engaging in the act of procreation every night, as many times as they possibly can.
- un: I find it startling, to say the least, that the titular head of the Holy Catholic Church would mount such emphasis on sex. Would you shed some light for us, Your Eminence?
- pb: Certainly. It's a numbers game, you see. In today's society we are seeing a steady decline in numbers of communicants in God's True Church, and it is starting to really piss Him off.
- I challenged the super-Catholic think tank, the College of Cardinals, to develop methods of quickly and efficiently increasing numbers. We knocked about a bit with a few ideas, liberalisation, female clergy, massive advertising campaigns, you know the usual things, then it came to me: the greatest factor in predicting a person's religious preference is the influence of their parents..
- You follow the religion that your parents teach you is the One and True religion! We as a Church have to get our act together to counter the rising numbers our competitors. Certain of our Cardinals have pointed out that rival religions have their own logistical problems keeping their numbers high, but we must also remember that different rules allow for different solutions. For example, Islam keeps getting it's followers to blow themselves up.
- You might think this is a good thing, and on the surface, it appears to be. On closer consideration though, we see that many or most of their victims are of competing religions, making this a useful tool in their arsenal. Not only that, but they more than make up for it by allowing men to have many wives. How are we supposed to compete against that! Then I had the brain wave, the more sex you have, the more likley you are to have children!
- un: I see, so promoting the use of Viagra will lead to more Catholics, overall.
- pb: Yes! That's right! To increase the number of Catholic children! I mean, my predesessor's had the right idea , banning contraceptives, but they made the mistake of instilling sex with way too much guilt,and so Catholic parents weren't having as much sex as they could.
- un: Well, that's all the time we have for today. I'm off to cover some obsure sporting event in Germany. Thank you for enlightening us with your benificence, Pope Benedict XVI.
- pb: Ja wohl, mein pleasure. Ach, this brings me back to my Hitlerjugend...
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|