UnNews:Pope in critical condition from E. Coli in Spinach
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Pope in critical condition from E. Coli in Spinach
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, May 4, 2016, 23:29:UTC)(
19 September 2006
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THE VATICAN, Rome -- The Christian world was in shock today after their beloved pontiff collapsed during a valiant speech aimed at Native Americans.
"We have no idea how the contaminated spinach could have reached the Pope," said Mario Perelli, head surgeon of Crusader Memorial Hospital after extracting the venomous mass from Benedict's small intestine. "It's just lucky that we were quick enough to get it out of him before the infection could spread beyond his digestive system and into his brain."
"I'm not sure why I ate it," said the pontiff feebly while an IV drip was placed into the gaping hole in his abdomen. "I was just having a midnight snack after a long night of Bible reading, so I got myself some Pop Tarts and a can of BOC (Blood-O'-Christ) Cola. Then I noticed some strange green vegetable in a salad bowl on the counter. I thought it would fill me up, so I ate the whole bowl. That night I was plagued by explosive diarrhea almost demonic in its intensity. I can only conclude that this was the work of those fucking raghead Muslim extremists."
The Pope's accusotory statement has caused waves of anger in the Muslim community.
"Praise Allah! You can't blame us for everything, can you?" said Mohammed Abibu. "First you're blaming us for 9/11 and making us look like threats to your national security bullshit just because we wear turbans and pray to Allah several times a day. Don't you understand that carrying bombs and having the ideology of martyrs brings us closer to God? Then we're the ones at fault for the Middle Eastern conflict. Those Jews went into our land, do you expect us to sit there like a bunch of pussies? And now you think we tried to assassinate the Pope? There's more effective ways to do it then a fucking bowl of spinach!"
The Pope is currently in critical condition, and bishops at Saint Peter's Cathedral have elected a Vice-Pope and prepared the furnace which will expel white smoke should the current Pope die.
Rumors have begun of yet another Crusade into the Holy Land to avenge the Pope's sudden illness. However, they yet have to be confirmed, though reliable sources state that the expidition is imminent, and according to Jim Davis, Grand Wizard, "those sand niggers better pray to their Allah right now."