UnNews:Pope gets new hat
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Pope gets new hat
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, September 30, 2016, 08:29:UTC)(
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STATE of the VATICAN CITY, Italy -- Earlier today while on a shopping trip with his mother, Maria Ratzinger, Pope Benedict XVI (formerly Joseph Ratzinger), head of the Catholic Church since his 2005 and style aficionado, received as a present a brand new hat.
"I got a new hat! It's the bestest! It's red and felt and red and it's a cowboy hat! It's my most favoritist thing ever! I'm a cowboy! Bang bang! Wee!" exclaimed the boisterous Pontiff between rapidly guzzled mouthfuls of Jolt cola.
The hat, bought at a local millinery, is reminiscent of a miniature ten-gallon hat, in red felt with gold piping around the brim and "Joey" embroidered in Latin on the front. Cowboys in the Wild West, both good and bad, commonly wore ten-gallon hats. Modern wearers of ten-gallon hats include sheriffs, country singers, and Texans who strike it big in oil.
"I can't wait to show it off to all my friends! They'll be totally jealous! I'm gonna ride around town in the back of my car and wave at everybody! They'll be so happy to see my new hat! Wee!" blurted Joseph while jumping on the sofa.
The Pope's mother is planning a family tour of the neighborhood on Monday to allow Benedict to show off his new hat to all of his friends and classmates. To ensure his safety, he will ride around in the back of the family armored Mercedes Benz G-Class. The Geländewagen, purchased by his mother shortly after his election, is outfitted with run-flat tires, a closed-circuit ventilation system and a self-sealing fuel tank. On Benedict's request, she is having the rear passenger section swapped with a giant bullet-resistant bubble, so that his friends can clearly see his new hat.
"I got it at a hat store. Mom said that I couldn't get any stuff today. She said that we were just going out for groceries, but when I saw the hat in the window I said 'Mom! Mom! Mom! Look at that hat! Mom!'. She sighed. She does that a lot. Then she told me that since my birfday's coming up in April I could get it as an early birfday present! See? It's a cowboy hat! It's the most greatest thing ever! Wee!" shouted the Pope in his characteristic sugar-fuelled manner as he spun rapidly in circles, before losing his balance, falling, and hitting his head on the corner of the coffee table.
Vatican insiders agree that the hat is indeed a very fine hat. They are worried, however, that the eighty year old defender of traditional Roman Catholic doctrine will be distracted by it, and will fail to do his homework and chores, like taking out the garbage and cleaning up his spacious Vatican City apartment.
"For my birfday, I want a six gun and a holster and a belt and a holster and another six gun and a tin star! I'm gonna be a cowboy. I'm gonna get a horsey and I'll name it Bert and I'll ride it and jump over stuff and shoot some Indians! I'm gonna be a cowboy for ever and ever! It'll be awesome! Wee!"
Bishops close to Benedict caution that he is not actually planning to murder Indians. At worst, they say, he will make 'bang bang' sounds and perhaps say "yippee" or his trademark expression, "wee".
"I wanna be a race car driver! Vroom vroom! Wee!" closed Benedict, before running to the kitchen for milk and cookies.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|