UnNews:Pope gets high, hosts impromptu Hitler memorial
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Pope gets high, hosts impromptu Hitler memorial
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, February 12, 2016, 23:03:UTC)(
YANKEE STADIUM, New York -- Pope Benedict XVI's visit to America took an unexpected turn Sunday, when the chocolate-loving holy man unwittingly consumed several "special" brownies. Herr Papa then proceeded to another engagement at Yankee Stadium, which, in his drug-induced haze, he believed to be a 119th birthday celebration for Adolf Hitler.
Fellow church officials could only look on in horror as their leader openly professed his allegiance to one Adolf Hitler and his ideals, and implored his followers to do the same. After several minutes of such talk, and to much bewilderment, the highest earthly authority of the Catholic Church broke into song. After several attempts to lead the crowd of 60,000 in a rousing chorus of "Take Me Out to the Ball Game", he dropped all pretense of singing and simply uttered unto his microphone, "Buy me some peanuts and crackerjacks. Seriously guys, I need some snacks."
There was a brief panic among the security team as the Holy Father's request was met enthusiastically by the crowd, who, in typical New York fashion, pitched the food at his head while insulting his mother. However, once His Holiness replaced his mitre and satisfied his munchies, the tirade continued.
"It's all this huge conspiracy, you know," he said with wide, knowing eyes. "You know who's behind it all? Jews. The Jews control the government and media everywhere, man. They want you to hate the Nazi Party, but why should you hate parties? Fight for your right to party man, and just be free!"This was apparently a lead in to his next musical number, as he launched into a moving rendition of The Beastie Boys' "You gotta fight for your right to party!". Alas, he cut it short when he was interrupted by a protester streaking across the field. Benedict XVI stopped singing and choked out "Dude, you're sooo drunk," through his inappropriately raucous laughter. The hysterical pontiff was carried off stage by several aids to unexpected applause, demonstrating just how much Americans had been inured to church scandals.
Common audience reactions to interview questions after the debacle were overwhelming positive and mostly just relieved that Puff Papa hadn't tried to blow one of the bat boys.
UnNews reporters managed to catch up with Pope Benedict as he was preparing to leave the country. He refused to comment on the incident and merely stated that he'd "had a good trip".