UnNews:Pope calls out Stephen Hawking

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Pope calls out Stephen Hawking

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7 January 2011

Jesus Big Bang

Pictured: God initiating the universe through proclamation.

VATICAN CITY, Macrocosm -- During an Epiphany mass at Saint Peter's Basilica on Thursday, Pope Benedict XVI called out world-renowned theoretical physicist Stephen Hawking in his sermon for claiming God is not responsible for the universe.

The universe is not the result of chance, as some heathens *cough* Stephen Hawking *cough* want to make us believe. Contemplating it, we are invited to read the wisdom of the Creator, the inexhaustible creativity of God. This truth is more profound that any unbelieving scientists can comprehend, for they are blind ...and crippled.

Ironically, the Pope echoes Stephen Hawking's own book A Brief History of Time, in which he stated: "If we discover a complete theory, it would be the ultimate triumph of human reason — for then we should know the mind of God," though he was referring to God in a metaphorical sense so as to trick Christian college students into buying his book so he could indoctrinate them with naturalist propaganda.

This not-so-subtle jab at Hawking from His Holiness, however, is believed to be a response to Hawkings' most recent book The Grand Design, which he this time whores himself out to atheists by stating: "The question is: is the way the universe began chosen by God for reasons we can't understand, or was it determined by a law of science? I believe the second."

Palpatine bah

The Pope has knowledge of a power greater than mere materialist physics.

Pope Benedict went on to say that Catholics should be open to theories such as the Big Bang, but realise that many theories are "retarded" by the fact that "they only arrive at a certain point ... and do not manage to explain the ultimate sense of reality." He also told his followers to always remember that God is behind existence, and "anyone who claims otherwise *cough* robotman *cough* is damned already."

The Pope's bizarre remarks pertaining to open-minded dogmatism reflect the Church's current policy on science as being "in favor of material evidence, but against all that atheism baldercrap." (Paraphrased.)

Expecting an intelligent rebuttal, fans of Stephen Hawking were disappointed when he responded with the lame comeback:

Sticks. And. Stones. May. Break. My bones. But. Words. Will never. Hurt. Me.

The ghost of Thomas Aquinas via Ouija board could not be reached for comment.

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