UnNews:Pope Thrown into Asylum
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Pope Thrown into Asylum
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, December 1, 2015, 09:36:UTC)(
16 August 2006
ROME, Italy -- Pope Benedict XVI was thrown into an insane asylum on Tuesday due to comments he made during a televised interview on Sunday. Says Roberto Luciani, chief doctor at the Asilo Romano: "This man, he is very whacked out. Every 15 minutes, he makes like he is talking to the College of Cardinals or something."
The Vatican had no comment, but leading Roman medical officials hypothesize that the stress of becoming pope took a great toll on Benedict's mind; in a sense, he tuned in, turned on, and went nuts.
Selected quotes from his Sunday interview: "Christianity, Catholicism, isn't a collection of prohibitions ... because Jesus is ... always watching ... [e]specially when you’re naked, nakedness is sin; I myself have never been naked ... [i]t's a positive option ... We've heard so much about what is not allowed that now it's time to say ... [l]ess faggots and more AIDS ... it's a Catholic invention that man and woman are made for each other, so that humanity can go on living: all cultures know this ... we need to do this, above all, in dialogue with other cultures and religions ... I want to stress that if any Catholics talk to these people, they’ll go straight to hell, right now ... [f]ear breeds irrationality, and irrationality is what we at the Vatican want ... [w]e will have to try and listen to God so as not to stand in the way of women, we certainly don’t want to block their path; into the kitchen, I mean, someone has to make the tea, one day, perhaps they could make the biscuits as well ... [i]n many areas in Africa, following the destruction of war, the Church is the only ... salvation from the faggot cancer ... we will supply mild 'definitely nots'... [i]t really is tiring, all those long lines of Boys, young, young boys, in revealing white gowns, who I have to, err talk to, one at a time, in private, when the police aren’t watching, and no one can hear the muffled screams. You know, the ones who, sometimes turn up dead two weeks later, in a drainage ditch, with their heads missing, and with all the blood drained from their bodies, but the police won’t find any finger prints because whoever did it wore gloves, like these ones, the ones I’m wearing now, the ones with the blood stains on them. Well that’s nothing to do with me, thank god, really it isn’t. It’s not like I extracted their essence, on some kind of blood altar? And then drank it out of a golden goblet? Is it?"
This reporter can only ask why nobody picked up on Benedict's evil ways sooner; he is German, after all. We can only hope that the next pope will be much saner than Benedict, but that doesn't mean much; this is the Roman Catholic Church, after all.