UnNews:Pope Benedict resigns to spend more time with Madonna
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11 February 2013
In a shock move, Benedict said that he was retiring from the job of Pope and wanted 'to get a life' before dying. Professing his love for 'Madonna, the pontiff declined to elaborate if he was talking about the Virgin Mary or the singer or both, although it is assumed he will be be getting into the groove in some respect.
The news of the Pope's resignation caught everyone by surprise. Suggestions that Benedict's decision to retire was linked to Jimmy Savile (the age of consent in the Vatican is 12) or the Catholic's church cover up of cassock lifting priests were denied by the Vatican. They said (first in Latin) that Benedict or 'Josef Ratzinger' wanted to retire into private life and pursue a new career.
"The idea that a Pope died in office is an old one but others have resigned before or were murdered", said a Papal spokesman. "His Holiness has expressed that after 80 years being a good boy and fierce defender of the church, it was time to let his hair down. Benedict can play the piano so a residency in Las Vegas is not out of the question and if he wants to spend more time with Madonna, well perhaps he thinks she is worth it after all those years denying earthly pleasures. In fact..I have got no bloody idea why he decided to walk."
The last Pope to jack it all in voluntarily was St.Celestine V in 1294. His reasons for resigning was that he had heard 'unearthly voices' which he identified as God telling him to give up the job. Years later it was discovered a system of voice tubes had been used to whisper into Celestine's bedroom to help persuade him leave St.Peter's chair. Celestine's successor Pope Boniface IX had then placed him in 'protective custody' and moved the ex-Pope to a north facing room without benefit of a fireplace or windows. Celestine had died within months.
It is understood Simon Cowell has been approached to work out a television format to help people choose the next leader of the Catholic Church. Irish brothers Jedward are said to be front runners with their offer to 'job share' but others suggest the Papacy needs a fresh face or perhaps a woman for a change. The show will be called Search for a Pope or the The St.Peter's Factor. Only Catholics will be allowed to participate but this may face a challenge in the European Court of Justice on the grounds of religious discrimination.