UnNews:Pope Benedict finally admits that God doesn't exist
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Pope Benedict finally admits that God doesn't exist
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, August 24, 2017, 03:17:UTC)(
15 April 2009
VATICAN CITY, Rome -- In a stunning move at the end of a long, soporific speech given in front of a crowd of millions of devout Christians on St. Peter's Square for the Easter celebrations, Pope Benedict XVI has come clean with the masses admitting that the very idea of the existence of God was "just a big joke" and that the Church has managed to use this trick to make the lowly populace into performing weird sexual behaviors, tape it and sell it over the nets, thus explaining the wealth of the Catholic Church.
The declaration has sparked a massive riot right in Vatican City among the shocked Christian devotees attending the event, involving hundreds of thousands of people going batfuck insane, men starting to beat the shit out of each other and hot puritan women exploding in a burst of lust, ripping off all their clothes and having sex with everybody around. Amidst the chaos, the pope was seen running away to his bulletproof popemobile, chuckling and stating only one thing to the bewildered journalists: "Gotcha!".
There is no indication as to where this massive frenzy is leading now, since authorities were recently plunged into total confusion as riot police troops found themselves to be unable to handle thousands of people engaged into a gigantic wild orgies of unrestrained sex and violence, while the rest of the crowd was either taking drugs or even more mundane activities such as swearing, gossiping, cheating, stealing, carving golden statues of bull-calves, and playing games. Cardinals were seen hurling the black flag of anarchy and setting up a spontaneous rock concert in St Peter's Square, continuously playing a cover of the hit song "Rock and Roll Hoochie Koo".
In the light of this groundbreaking statement, Vatican official historian Rev. Pius Yourmomis told the press "The last time such a massive outbreak of religious hysteria happened, to the point of bringing a fatal state of apostasy within the Church, was on the year 666 A.D. in a monastery in the Bosphorus region of Channakale, following Innocent III's edicts discrediting masturbation... which actually only resulted in a gay sex craze. This sodomite chaos lasted for months and triggered the first Great Schism and the creation of the Orthodox religion. Now I cannot yet reach a clear understanding on the motivations of pope Benedict XVI into making such a bold statement but man, that was fucking AWESOME!"
This key speech by the pope has marked the starting point of his Mediterranean tour titled "God is Dead" where he the Holy Patron of the Church will spend his millions chilling out in posh coastal villas and luxury hotels, drinking, taking drugs and indulging himself in sex orgies, along with fellow cardinals, archbishops and Illuminati ringleaders.
"Take my word for it, all Church officials will receive their final paychecks in two weeks. It's time to bring some new blood to this Church!" the pope was seen declaring to the press, wearing black sunglasses and grabbing two young Russian female prostitutes in his arms during the press meeting shortly after his public statement. "Hail Satan! Hahaha!" he concluded, making the famous "devil" sign with his hands to the cameras of major news channels.
Pope Benedict XVI is rumored to publish his memoirs next week in a book titled: "The Man Who Killed God, or How I Finally Pwned Nietzsche". The autobiography is already a mega best seller to such extent that it has prompted author J.K. Rowling to give away all her millions to charity and become a Catholic nun.