UnNews:Pope Benedict Tackled, Demands Rematch
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Pope Benedict Tackled, Demands Rematch
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Saturday, October 1, 2016, 04:55:UTC)(
26 December 2009
ROMA, Vatican City (UPJ) -- Sinner and new champion Susanna "Pope Tackler" Maiolo knocked down Pope Benedicti as he made his way down the aisle of St. Peter's Basilica to celebrate his cult's traditional Christmas Ritual. Maiolo, who failed in her 2008 attempt when she confronted Benedicto from almost the exact same seat location at the exact same event, is now one-and-one against the pugilistic Pontiff.
"Two out of three," magnificently proclaimed His Extreme Holiness-on-high Pope Papa Benedicte, "That's all I'm askin' for. Christmas Midnight Mass, 2010, be there lady and we'll see who goes down this time."
The 2010 Grudge match shapes up to be the showdown of the new century, and both participants plan to train all year in hopes of an early knockdown in the incense-filled Vatican Arena. "Come on grandpa," Maiolo said at a Saturday news conference accepting the challenge and unveiling her new slogan. "The Pope is supposed to be infallible?" she questioned, "Well, I felled him, and will Do It Again In 2010".
Benedict issued a Papal Bull in response, praising Maiolo's agility while mocking her chances next year. "She leaps like a deer, that one," The Papa of all Decent Nations said, "and like a deer she will freeze in my headlights and will soon be tied to my trunk."
Vatican security was not informed of this year's bout. "Both of us wanted to surprise them," said the Father of Continents and of all the Lifeforms Therein, "and when our managers set this up I purposely asked them to place their client in the exact spot as last year, the last place my security crew would look. I also insisted that she dress the same, get into the Gnostic Mass by herself, and that her manager be allowed to sit in front of her in a perfect position to take a cell-phone recording of the fight. We signed the contract, I was ready, but she caught me looking the other way. It was a lucky take-down."
Pope Supreme Grand Benedicte's manager, trainer and cut-man, former U.S. Vice-President Dick Cheney, welcomed the rematch. "Maiolo tried and failed in 2008, knocked the champ down in 2009, but let's see if she can come back after a year in the Vatican-CIA controlled 'mental hospital' that I've thrown her into. Bread, water, and an occasional insect, that's what she'll be eating, and when she battles the Pope again she'll be skin and bones, eyes and teeth, legs and backbone, and surely in no condition to fight."
"Benedicteo doesn't know my stamina and drive," said Maiolo, who in the past has knocked down the Pope of Greenwich Village, the Pope of Earl, and Papa John, "I have the Papal Belt now, and a year in solitary will only make me stronger, give me the "eye of the tiger", and lessen my dependence on sunlight and quality protein. Put your wagers on the lass, gentlemen, I'll make the Pope take a dive within five."
The early lines in Vegas and Mecca have made this an even match, and HBO Pay-Per-View has signed the two combatants to a multi-million dollar deal and will broadcast the procession of the 2010 Midnight Mass to an anticipated worldwide audience.
The 2009 Competition, Da Encounta Near Da Altar. The first 19 seconds show the bout, the rest continues to promote the fallen infallible ex-champion: