UnNews:Pope: "Scotland is too cold"

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14 November 2006

General-john-pope

The Pope. Well, John Pope. He might not actually be the Pope.

Pope Benedict XVI announced Tuesday that he would no longer consider visiting Scotland until something was done about the temperature.

The successor of Saint Peter, clearly distraught due to a recent trip to Ireland and the coolness of his papal genitalia, was in no mood to talk at length about the issue. "Something must be done to ensure the temperature does not drop below 18 degrees or else there's no way I'm considering a spiritual venture" he said. "Get stuffed" was his reply when the UK media questioned his reasoning.

"Why should I go there at all?", asked the Supreme Pontiff. "If they can't make it warmer, I see no reason why I should get on a plane over there. They have the decency to make it warmer in the South of France, I was there last week and it was well into the thirties".

Clearly, the temperature is not considered high enough for the digits of the one closest to Our Lord. "My fingers damn nearly fell off last week, and I'm not having that happening again".

"You know, it's about 24 years since my predecessor was last in Scotland, and I can see it being another 24 before I consider setting foot in that bloody place" he was reported to have said. Translators debated the strength of the wording he chose, with no clear consensus attained.

The Servant of the Servants of God was in no mood to consider even more northern climates. His look of disdain when Alaska was mentioned was enough to end the interview.

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